zhengxi's blog!

start of the end

2011-12-08T02:08:00.002+08:00

Idk where to start.

A levels is over. It was a torturous month, but hey, we pulled through. Now it's time to dig ourselves out of the thick stacks of notes and have a feel of being on cloud nine (we already did). Hope I did well up to expectations!

Prom was...once in a lifetime. I wouldn't say I spent a lot of effort into dressing up, but I did much more than usual. It felt nice when receiving all those compliments, but I still think that the me beyond all the makeup and glamour is prettier. I guess I really regretted not going around to take photos - missed so many ppl out! :( overall it was still fun, the way we camwhored within our class.

Now I'm in the mid of class chalet. First day was a little boring, truth be told. Everyone arrived at different times and it just seemed messy to me. We had our share of fun, no denying that, I just feel that there's something missing...just me?

Okay and, I'm very very upset over this thing that I found out. I thought that I could face it nonchalantly, but how do I explain all those sleepless nights? I can smile and pretend nothing's wrong. But I can't get over myself being so silly to be sad over something that others don't even care about. It came too suddenly, need time before I can accept it. Or maybe I just need someone to tell me, hey, wake up. Whatever it is, I hope it gets sorted out.

Please tell me it was just a dream kay. I can't stay indefinitely.

too blur

2011-10-16T11:42:00.002+08:00

Was supposed to take the LNAT ytd, but I didn't. It was such a disaster. First, I though that the exam started at 1530, but it was supposed to start 15 minutes earlier. So I was there late. Then, she told me to show her my passport, but I only had my ic. She said that I could take it as long as I could get my passport there within 10mins, and I was like...wtf. It was simply impossible. Sighs. I was so freaking angry at myself and sad. haiz. dumb ttm.

I think I really need to reflect on my maturity. I could've handled many things much better but I didn't. I guess I was disappointed in myself - I should be. Wells, but the past is the past. Looking forward to the future now.

I remember having this discussion about happiness with my dad. He said that it was too naive and unrealistic to just strive to be happy, because happiness won't help us survive, and it is unachievable. I disagree. I think that as long as one is contented, happiness will come easily. It's just that we keep wanting more and more that's why we don't feel happy. I'm not trying to say that goal-setting and achievement are undesirable, I feel that being too greedy is not going to get us anywhere too.

Had our farewell assembly on Friday! It was kind of uninteresting...no kick. I still can't believe that we have graduated from JC. It seemed like ytd when I first came to the school, meeting new friends and everything. The experiences can't be summed up with a few words; it was really memorable. And nostalgia sets in as I accept the fact that JC is over.

I have my regrets too. Like how I wanted to change - I saw how other people did, drastically - so that I could be more open to people. I think I wasn't determined enough to do that. It's frustrating at times like this when you know that you only have yourself to blame.

One more thing. I wish I could give it up (I'm doing okay seriously), but I can't let go completely. I always wonder, if I had done something more, or maybe even try to force it out, it would have been different. Yet, it's futile to try to fit a square into a circle, and we are now worlds apart. I never cried over it though, it will remain a regret for me for a long time ba!

The next big thing in our lives will be A levels! I know and hope that I can ace everything. My sisters would probably look at me dubiously after hearing this, but hey, I have total faith in myself. I think I will have to work harder though, action speaks louder than words.

At the end of the day, I'm just trying to be happy. (;
Nothing is worthwhile, unless I'm willing to do it.

baaaack!

2011-07-13T14:59:00.005+08:00

hello! haven't posted in like AGES. omg the last one was in March. haha it was hard to find motivation to write ;p

okay first thing to lament on :( CT results! I got like 2 Es alr. It's like damn damn damn damn damn bad. so some people tell me they got worse. uh huh? i still think that this kind of results suck. imagine my parents' faces when they see it. i have to suffer their wrath! T.T *prays for myself*

the recent MAJOR thing i went for was YES. hmm if you saw my post last year this time you'll know what it is. i went as a facil! omg i realised that being a facil at any event is the best job ever! now you understand why the role of OGLs is super popular! but anws, to sum it up, the experience was fab as usual and the best part was the people.

what would life be like without all the awesome people? unthinkable.

oh right, and one IMPORTANT learning point: ALWAYS take the initiative.
i found out that if you're the first to act, the rewards will be the greatest. don't end up in tears because you didn't have the courage to fight for what you wanted k!

i feel blessed for having my family, my friends and myself (even though i'm so lousy at studies :/). i'm contented for now hahaha.

i wonder how many times a person can be devastated before he crumbles. i'm actually stronger than i thought, but overly persistent in some things (NOT good!). i wish i could execute that heck-care attitude better. sigh.

future plans!
1. be HAPPY :) :)
2. MUG HARD for A levels!!!
3. become a BETTER person :)

quote from me:
when you see a rainbow, believe that it is the colours illuminated by the light in you :)
precious.

don't miss it

2011-03-17T22:16:00.003+08:00

it really takes motivation (and some inspiration!) now, to write a proper post.
school has taken up so much time - i wonder if it's a good thing?

CTs are just round the corner, and yup, everyone is busy mugging.
like what Joce said, we're turning into mugging machines alr D:
oh well, we need more than that little bit of hardwork to ace this, so can't complain. :p

on the way home today with fan, we were talking about the end of the world -
i know right - talk about depression and pessimism.
idk, it was more like something intellectual i guess, and she thought it was an interesting topic. lol.

i love the night breeze. the moon, the stars, the serenity of the park at night.
no matter how tired i am, i always feel rejuvenated when i walk home at night.
it's one of the little things that never fail to cheer you up :)
and all troubles seem to have dissipated... for like 15 mins?

i was reading something that someone wrote, and was surprised at how quickly people grow up.
it's like one moment they were still exuding childlike innocence and playfulness, but the next they become so mature that they're unrecognisable.
maybe it's time we all grow up.
i wonder whether we have to go through something special to bring out that sort of change.
for better or for worse? who knows.

right now all i'm concerned with is how to lead life happily and in a meaningful way.
as long as we try our best then there's nothing we should be upset about right?

i remember someone said this before:
if you spend your time lamenting about something you've missed out on, then you're missing out on even better things in your life at the same time.
true right? this is why we should never dwell on the past - it's not worth it.
when it's time to move on, do it. period.
feel the pity, the regret, the sadness (not too long yeah), but continue to look forward to everything that come your way next!

and this time round, don't make the same mistake again
don't miss it. :)

start to try

2011-03-08T22:51:00.002+08:00

back again! must try to make my posts more regular now. they're so interesting to read :)

anws, updates about life.

today it's ALL ABOUT GP. study until i want to die alr, and it still feels like it isn't enough.

okay but i did my best! so no regrets as usual.

btw, did i mention my philosophy is: do not do anything that i'm going to regret and do not regret anything i do.

i suddenly have this idea, that it's okay to be jealous of other people.

i mean, people should be honoured that someone is jealous of them.

yes why?

because it shows that you have something, some sort of quality that others want but do not have.

this is why they get jealous!

see? this is a form of positive thinking too. and damn logical at that.

which is why my newest goal is to become a person that others will be jealous of :p

not like i don't have it yet. got lots of things others should be jealous of alright!

oh shucks almost forgot i'm still mugging for GP!

i've decided that i'm gonna go to sch everyday during march hols and study from 0900 to 2100.

yes and i'm totally going to keep to this plan! (i mean, as far as possible la)

meanwhile, where GP is concerned, and assuming my lack of knowledge of current affairs will not be a major impediment, all i need is an inch of luck!

jiayous for tmr then :D

you can shine - forget about the reasons why you can't in life, and start to try, cuz it's your time. time to fly! (hilary duff rocks!)

Revelations?

2011-02-26T01:43:00.002+08:00

I'm super damn tired today. It was such a long day omg. Really need a break from all these.
Sadly, now's so not the time for rest. CTs are in like about three weeks time. Too much stuff too little time to do D:
If anyone tells me he's started revision I'm gonna smack him. Siao alr!
Buck up alright!
----------

I was telling Linh abt how I envy ppl who are true to themselves.
They never have to and never wish to force anything upon themselves.
We may have thought expressing our likes and dislikes is an easy thing but how wrong can we all be?
It's the one single thing that we cannot do.

I wonder if ppl ever get tired of pretending to be someone they aren't.
I mean, what's the point in being so damn nice to a person you hate a lot?
What's the point in appealing to popularity?
What's the point in changing urself to adhere to so-called norms?

Okay must not get too self-centered here.
It's not like you have to be urself and hurt everyone's feelings.
It's just that you shouldn't lose sight of who you are while being the nice and considerate person that ppl usually are.
Am I going in a roundabout?

The main thing is, rmb to treasure the special element in you and keep it alive.
The more you trap it within, the weaker it gets, and by then, will you still be you?
Sighs too many rhetorical questions, must be getting boring :(
----------

I hope good luck arrives soon and stay with me!
And I'll find the resilience to survive and overcome any obstacles ahead.
Life's tough, but it can still be sweet!
Just add a pinch of sugar to it :)

tired...

2011-02-13T02:22:00.002+08:00

went for cip this morning. omg haven't woken up so early on a saturday morning before. damn annoying sia. maybe i should start to regulate my sleeping hours bleh. but anw, it went better than expected (except for glitches here and there), so we're good.

oh and the first thing i did when i reached home was to take a nap (yeah, if eight hours can be considered a nap xp). regained consciousness at close to midnight, so that's why i'm still awake now.

alright i think i'm seriously very very screwed because i realised that i can't rmb anything much from the lecture notes after the lectures, so i really need to start revising ALL my work alr. it's just that i can't seem to find the time (and determination) to do that :/ focus focus!

have to go to sch tomorrow, wth. but it's like for flower prep for entre, and we need lots of help so yeah. cannot stand ppl who back out of work all the time. no names here but still. i wonder how some people can make their excuses sound so convincing. i must brush up on my skills in this area soon!

if there's one thing i cannot do, that is to lie. like really like with not-so-good intentions. i don't have a problem against white, harmless lies, but otherwise it's honesty all the way! is this a good or bad thing? depends.

this week i talked to yidan a lot. about life in general? i guess there are tons of people out there who are more mature than me and they make me feel like a kid. in terms of thinking and behaviour (maybe also in appearance hahaha).

wells, forget all about the unhappiness because life has to go on ultimately. dwelling on the past makes sadness multiply faster than i can imagine, so i've learnt to take things in my stride (yup yup almost!).

oh and yd told me that if i don't cry for something it implies that thing doesn't mean much to me. is it true? maybe ba.

whatever. most important thing now is school.
life is what the hell, but i can brighten it up with firework, and all troubles will be come so yesterday ;)

not okay but yeah.

2011-02-06T20:40:00.002+08:00

i guess this is all i need to say. so damn sad.
but i'll recover? let's wait and see.

arrrgghhh bleak

2011-01-30T21:36:00.003+08:00

today i just watched this show on tv; the host was talking about the origins of oxford --> cambridge --> harvard. gosh, all the top universities actually had a shared history! why am i not surprised? shrugs. i suddenly realised how naive i've been as a kid.

maybe everyone went through that stage, wanting to get the the best secondary school, best jc, best university overseas, and then the best job. tada! that's what we mean by happily ever after. and that was when we were young, innocent and more importantly, ignorant.

i remember telling my parents about wanting to go to harvard. okay no need to tell me how improbable it is because i really know. as i grow up, i find this dream drifting further and further away from me. it's almost like a fairytale, so beautiful, yet never practical.

it's not unattainable. it's just difficult. how so? well, for someone as ordinary as me - no leadership positions, no major cip contributions, no amazing grades, no fantastic impression on anyone - i'm thinking the wisest thing to do is to give it all up and work towards something i can see.

unfortunately, that's just not me. after going through so many failures this year, despite all the tears i shed, i've actually grown stronger. i'm sort of pretending to be that vulnerable so that other people will notice how much pain i'm in. i know, it's kind of childish that way, but hey, i'm a person who craves for attention and concern okay.

so now, the thing is i don't know how to go on from here. i'm officially lost. if i stick to the status quo, i'll probably lead a pretty normal life, which i don't fancy doing. how do i make things change then? if only there was someone to answer all my questions.

i'm eighteen already, for heaven's sake! i realised i can't depend on others all the time. i have to make my own decisions and choose the path i want to take. and i'm under so much stress because this is a crucial decision. one wrong step, and i'll jeopardise my own life. whatever i do, i guess prudence is totally necessary.

here's the plan: try everything i can try. do everything i can do. change everthing i can change (for the better of course!). i will forget everything i should forget but that doesn't mean i'm gonna give up.

woa this is such a mature post, so proud of myself! go for it zhengxi! :)

the climb!

deafening silence

2011-01-26T23:18:00.002+08:00

have you ever been so irritated by things around you that you want everyone to just shut up?

i did. but when they do, the silence is really deafening.

i am a super self-centred and proud person. no it doesn't sound good.

when i feel sad, i want the world to know and make me feel better. that's too much to ask for right?

sometimes i'll think: to hell with all the insensitivity and unfairness and gloominess and sadness and disappointments and whatever-that-is-bad in this world.

i want to live for myself and myself only.

but it isn't supposed to be that way. it's a damn selfish and childish way of thinking.

okay so far everything i've said is plain nonsense. i don't even know what it all means.

one thing for sure. i feel so damn depressed now.

don't ask me why, because i don't want to say why.

don't ask me if i'm okay, because i am not.

and don't ever tell me things will be fine again, because they will not.

life was never the same again after that eventful day.

i'll never be able to forget it however hard i tried and am trying.

is it my weakness? or is it alright to be like this?

let the tears flow. and i'm not going to pretend they're not there.

i'm not perfect.

i want to go back, back to the beginning.

i'm hurting because i've lost sight of you too.

return to the beginning and start it all over again. i don't have the courage to go on.

there's nothing left.

killer headache.

smile or not?

2011-01-24T23:17:00.003+08:00

deleted the previous post cuz i thought it was too full of complaints!

hmm i guess the worst thing about being sick is not being able to sing in the bathroom! (eek sore throat D:)

yup but i can still listen to music - it soothes my feelings and makes me relax.

so here goes...my fav song for now. :)

from a friend's blog:

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

maybe that's all i need for these gloomy days!

falling...fallen.

2011-01-21T22:57:00.002+08:00

i think today may be the worst day of my life. in short, it SUCKS.

first i had to fall sick, flu, cough, sore throat and headache.

really should have taken that mc man.

then all of a sudden, it was attire check -.-"

and i was unlucky enough to get a white slip for...let's leave it at that.

as if i don't have enough on my mind alr.

and next up, people started dancing in class.

that's when i got super super down/sad/nostalgic/upset/left out.

who am i?

i feel like i'm nobody. not a councilor, not an ogl, not a cca chair/vice-chair, not even a ct rep.

the conclusion is. i'm worthless?

i know right. emo emo emo. that's not gonna get me anywhere.

but everywhere i go, i see things which get me into this state.

i never knew some things are just so hard to let go of.

i wanna cry. but what's the use?

i wanna shout. but who's here to listen?

i wanna change my life? but how do i change things that have happened alr?

no way.

i gotta find a goal in life. i don't want to screw up just like that.

and yup, i'm going to start with taking SATs...maybe.

p.s. is there something about me that seems wrong? i mean sometimes i yearn to be like another person. i realised i get lonely too too easily. i can't stand being alone. and that, according to my sister, is freaking weird. yet. that's just me.

come tomorrow these will seem so yesterday, so yesterday. right-o?

Here we go...AGAIN!

2011-01-12T23:58:00.004+08:00

FEELS GREAT TO BE BACK IN SCH! :)

This really is a messed up year, and so many things have happened alr this week!
For one thing, I've had a lot of first times!
First time I'm late two days in a row D: yes and start of sch some more!
First run after two? months - glad my stamina did not go down (I think!)
First time someone told me I'm quite pretty. Eh this one actually not very sure, cuz maybe it's just it's nonsense la shrugs
First time I sat right in front of this person.
First time I went for physics tuition.
First time I was shocked and disappointed at the same time :(
Oh well, first times can be uplifting yet demoralizing all the same. Important thing is the experience yeah.

Do quite okay so far, still need more time to get used to the work xp
Been meeting ppl I don't feel like seeing and not meeting those I want to meet bleh.
Have to work on this cca project now, cuz there's this event next week. Jiayous :)
And OMG IT'S A LEVEL YEAR!!! damn impt I really don't want to screw anything! :/

Kk so I must work hard and stop getting distracted.
Quote of this week: Life is always too short but never too smooth-sailing. You decide who you are so make the best out of it!
Hmm. Thought of it myself but sounds like I koped a bit from here and there heh.

Yup and new year. I'm gonna put some stuff behind me.
Learn to FORGO and FORGET. A little hard cuz I never do learn. Sighs.

Btw I found a remedy for any pessimistic day!
And...bingo! It's a song!! :)

So yesterday

It's exactly how I am this moment and what I want to be. To be over you.

2011

2011-01-03T22:29:00.002+08:00

2011 is a year full of anticipation...and fear!
I'm going to turn 18 in like three and a half months!
But this could be the most impt year of my life.
So if I do stray, even a little, and screw up anything then I'm done for D:

Yeah they say turning 18 is the best.
I really don't know if I should just enjoy, or plan for my future alr.
Whatever, I'm getting a headache :/

Here is the list of resolutions for 2011!
1. Get A and only A for A levels!! not difficult but not easy either sighs...
2. Do something meaningful eg. volunteer work, internship, and the like of it
3. Be happy! simple but complicated too :p
4. Plan for future???
5. Spend more time with friends - play or study or anything la
That's all until I think of more!

I hope all my wishes will come true! :) and I'll work really hard this year. Promise.

----------------------------

I have a confession to make to myself...
Whether you have sorted out stuff yet, this is what I want to say.

你一直都知道，自己不是他微笑的原因。
回忆过去的点点滴滴，才发现在一起的时间那么少。
或许...连陌生人都不如。
既然抓不住，那是时候放手了。
这样对你，对他，是最好的选择。
只要能够快乐，结果如何真的不用在乎...
说不出口的话，你听不到。就埋藏在心里...直到遗忘。

做得到吗？

-----------------------------

Hopefully, I can do it.
Welcome 2011 with an open heart; perhaps things will start to look up!

Autumn's Concerto x3!

2010-12-30T01:34:00.004+08:00

Just finished this tw idol drama called autumn's concerto - 下一站，幸福 - and I feel like watching it again!
At first I was thinking it may not be that nice considering the not-so-handsome/pretty actors :p but gosh after watching I'm totally smitten!
It is really incredibly nice!

Yup so if you have nth better to do - even if you DO - rmb to watch ok!
Promise you won't regret it :)

Eh so what's up with life right now?
Hmm...trying to finish hw = impossible :/
Jiayou! Heh.

But there're interesting stuff going on too.
Countdown! Haha can't believe our first performance is coming so soon!
Gotta get rid of the nerves though.
And...uh I realised I don't sing as well as I thought bleh. So good luck yeah!

Anws. Not sure if idolizing is a good idea. Sometimes I get kinda obsessed D:
Found out smth though. Smth abt myself...

Can't seem to get enough of hols sighs. I feel like composing now...

「我就是这么霸道。一旦插手了就不会放手 --- 包括我在乎的人。」任光晞

...

2010-12-24T18:39:00.003+08:00

Gosh I'm so damn tired zzzzzzzzz
Just woke up and don't want to get up bleh.
Haiz nowadays really quite sian dunno what to do.
But actually I prefer to laze ard and not stuff my brain with anything.
It sucks to have to do so much in so little time :( I hate to start.

Somehow got scolded damn lot these few days.
Guess I've slacked tooooo much! But dun care le la. At least not now.
Tomorrow...who knows?

Can't seem to get the energy to do things
When I start to think, head hurts hell lot :/

I'm like talking crap, wasting time and thinking dumb.
Stop the nagging cuz I'm feeling sleepy again. yawns
Gotta get enough rest to get out of this nonsensical state lol.

btw. Where are you?

Baaack!

2010-12-22T23:42:00.002+08:00

Hi Singapore! Missed me? Feels great to be back, cuz I rly missed everything here!

It wasn't that bad, except that the weather was super cold and I was cut off from msn and facebook :( had like over a hundred unread mails in my inbox over the two weeks D: life without internet is no life at all!

Loved the shopping there - was the bestest part, at least for me! :) and the ppl were all so damn nice! Managed to get some fashion tips along the way! I guess shorts plus thick jacket plus stockings plus knee high boots in winter is so going to be my fav style for the next century! Oh well, can't pull there off here where it's hot like hell :p

Oh and I realised the girls there were seriously damn chio! I mean just look at any young girl on the streets and you'll be totally mesmerized! Even I'm getting jealous of how fab they look!

Nothing really interesting that happened, but the people made the difference. They made me different! Hopefully in a good way xD

Now, back here, in bed, I just want to get a good night's sleep. And wish that all the homework will get done by itself :/

Off we go!

2010-12-08T22:22:00.002+08:00

Night before I'm leaving! Gonna miss my bed soooo much! XD

But anws thanks to everyone who made my hols so enjoyable! :)
I'll rmb to bring presents I think? Yeah yeah.
Really looking forward to ice-skating! If we're still going when I'm back!

Yup.
Excited with just a tinge of disappointment.
I never realised how much I wished for...whatever. :/
Just shut up, mind!

Kkaes I'll miss lots of things here. Bleh actually only two weeks la ;p

Shall stay happy from now on! :)

2010-12-07T23:12:00.002+08:00

Less than two days left before I fly! Omg can't believe it.

But first things first, have to go through a whole series of talks tmr. nine to five, gosh! And we're celebrating someone's bdae too. Shhh it's a surprise so don't let out the secret xD no matter what, it's gonna be a damn sian but exciting day! Talk abt irony huh.

If there're any takeaways from this whole thing, it would be that I can't stand boredom, I'm sorta interested in law and I'm totally a social creature (as in I like to be among people, the more the merrier :)! I guess it can be said to be a journey of self discovery ba, in that sense. Oh and I think I've changed a bit from last time. You'll see when you see me ;p

Yup after that it's two whole weeks of freedom! Whee!
Sounds like a long time right? But when you're on holiday it never feels that long heh. Shall have loads of fun (ie. shopping!)

Hmm. Idk why sometimes I feel so lonely. As if I'm invisible to everyone else. It's not really like that so I'm thinking too much? Aiya this is generally a down period for me I think. When I'm alone, I'll suddenly get into a sucky mood and nothing perks me up.

Nothing except...yeah. I am worried and I don't know how to deal with all this.
But I have a long break. Long enough to make me get over certain things?

Yet. I'm sure my liking for strawberries won't change that quickly.

I promise I'll be bright and cheery again real soon! :) hopefully!

coming clean

2010-12-05T20:09:00.002+08:00

hiyee. today was a slack day for me too. and bleh i haven't gotten rid of the bad habit of going to bed and waking up late :p

oh and i really CANNOT stay at home! over these two days i've gotten myself addicted to this rpg adventure game - becoming so 宅 D: yup but no worries about that because my schedule is packed for the next three days! nothing interesting though. haha

hmm idk what i can post about. maybe about my thoughts??? that's kinda boring la.

nvm. anws, i'm going overseas on thursday! like to this damn unknown place in china (possibly the most uninteresting part as well -.-"), but i'm still excited about it! it'd be nice to see all my relatives again, and it's gonna be great for me cuz everyone always treats me super well! xD

probably going to be uncontactable for about two weeks; hopefully can check email occasionally ba. yup yup so people remember to miss me a lot okay? :)

i wonder if i should come clean. because i'm feeling so miserable keeping things to myself. although some stuff are meant to be 不能说的秘密...perhaps i can sort out my thoughts while on holiday? going somewhere far far away - not to escape, but to take a break.

i'm taking a break from myself, i guess. yeah, stupid me, making life so difficult for me. i need more space.

i wish you will text me, or call me, or contact me in other ways? i realise i want to hear your voice quite badly. but i don't want to be the one doing all those.

lols i'm being silly again. why would you do that when you don't know at all?

do you ever care?

forget it. maybe in my dreams ba.

Let's go back

Back to the beginning

Back to when the earth the sun the stars

All aligned

Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect

trying to fit a square into a circle was no life

I defy

Let the rain fall down and wake my dreams

Let it wash away my sanity

Cause I wanna feel the thunder I wanna scream

Let the rain fall down

I'm coming clean

I'm shedding

Shedding every colour

Trying to find a pigment of truth

Beneath my skin

Cause different

Doesn't feel so different

And going out is better

Than always staying in

Feel the wind

I'm coming clean

Let the rain fall

I'm coming

Let's go back

Back to the beginning

i'm worn out

2010-12-04T19:29:00.002+08:00

whew. finally getting a break. internship ended ytd! okay so maybe i didn't have to do any work, but it's nice not having to get up at six plus every single day. i'm sure my dark eye circles have gotten worse!

in a nutshell, the week was spent mainly attending briefings, sitting in for court sessions, and meeting up with mentors/judges to ask them questions. really, law is not as exciting/boring as everyone imagine it to be! yet, after going through all this, i'm considering law as one of my options. amazing what internships can do to me eh?

the best part of this whole thing - as i said before - is the people. my group was a super friendly and bonded and interesting one! it offset any of the not-so-great portions of the internship, thankfully. oh, and THERE WERE CUTE GUYS! i sound sorta crazy la, but this spices up stuff, so yeah. xD

it's not like i haven't met with anything unpleasant at all. if there's one thing i've learnt from getting along with all those people, it's to think before i speak. sometimes people are so damn sensitive that it can be freaking annoying! and for me it's worse because i hate it when people misunderstands me, it brings out all the self-righteousness thing in me. so watch it alright?

at the end of the day, it was still a fab experience, and we've made friends!

today was supposed to be a calm and relaxing day for me, but my mum ruined it all. i can't wait to get out of the country, away from her nagging, and i srsly feel like she's picking on me all the time. everything is my fault huh? i'm so sick of having to tolerate all these nonsense. i want to escape! sucks.

and where are the strawberries when i need them? i want to see them! and talk to them and tell them how much i miss them. i want to know how they've been and how much they've changed since i last saw them. and i sorta regret something that i didn't do. looking back on it now, it seems like i haven't done anything for them. is all this even real?

move on! ugh i just can't find any motivation for me to be happy today. i'm thinking things will just get better as time passes right? all i need is something to make the grief go away faster.

omg i can't do this alone. :/ i need...

cup of plain water

2010-11-30T20:40:00.003+08:00

cup of plain water? that's an understatement; life now is simply boring.

don't get me wrong, it's not boring in the sense that there's nth to do. it's more like up till now, the internship part is quite sian and everything. and there's this assignment thingy which i don't feel like doing.

it's so scary that hols homework is like suddenly popping out of nowhere to haunt all of us. why can't we just get a break? haiz. guess that'll become last minute chionging since no one in their right mind would want to do hw during the hols yeah?

okay putting the point about boredom aside, as i've mentioned, the people are really great. it's like we've never met each other before in our life, but we just get along damn well! okay la actually i sorta met one of them before but i don't rmb much abt that haha. xD oh wells, let's just make full use of this one week we have and be good frens i hope!

oh today was a most unfortunate day for my sis. she finally went for soccer training after much pestering by me (you may have realised it's a fine skill of mine xp)! BUT!!! there was no one to open the gate for her, no one at the field where xueke told me they'd be training, and no one to keep her company for one and a half hours! i mean, is that disastrous or is that DISASTROUS??? feel so guilty abt it since i was all for her going there.

and a note of apology to people who i spammed call (no s!), i'm just wishing you guys were in sch and could let me poor sister in! bleh. however, that does not mean i accept you making daoing my call, then sms me hours later a habit k! that's so NOT right.

aiya the worse thing abt internship is i can only wear black and white =( like that not nice and i don't have that many black skirts leh! office wear is srsly not my cup of tea!

i want to go out! like shopping, movie, meal, anything! feel like got no life right now D: but aiya i oso no time to go out lor. it's damn sad. and decided i must practice more public speaking lol.

i'm really glad that no matter how things change, there are some stuff that never changes. like my family. it's always so lively, so happy, so warm, and so full of love. and even though misunderstandings are aplenty, it always feels great to be home. guess this is what i've just realised. i didn't know that i love them so much! xoxo

and yup!

now about strawberries. i realised that maybe a lot of people like strawberries cuz they look so red (cheerful) and delicious (nice). they are kinda like naturally likeable. not sure if it's a good or bad thing. but i guess i'll continue liking strawberries, not because everyone else does too, but because i think that this time, for once, i want to hold on to it. and anw, it's for real so it'll be hard for me to immediately stop liking it ba.

and moreover, strawberries don't need to know right?

i like this song now! influenced by the piano session. but the only thing is the lyrics are super sad though the melody is nice. haiz. shouldn't listen to it too much if not will emo =/

故事的小黄花从出生那年就飘着
童年的荡秋千随记忆一直晃到现在
re soh soh xi (ti) do xi (ti) la

soh la xi xi xi xi la xi la soh

吹着前奏望着天空
我想起花瓣试着掉落

为你翘课的那一天花落的那一天

教室的那一间我怎么看不见
消失的下雨天我好想再淋一遍

没想到失去的勇气我还留着
好想再问一遍你会等待还是离开

刮风这天我试过握着你手
但偏偏雨渐渐大到我看你不见
还要多久我才能在你身边
等到放晴的那天
也许我会比较好一点

从前从前有个人爱你很久
但偏偏风渐渐把距离吹得好远
好不容易又能再多爱一天
但故事的最后你好像还是说了
拜拜

it's a damn touching song nevertheless.

up to me

2010-11-28T10:09:00.000+08:00

It's been sooooo long since I felt like blogging. Wells it does get troublesome sometimes ;p to all those ppl out there who update regularly, kudos! As for those like me, bleh, I can totally understand why! xD

I thought that holidays will prove to be a slack-a-thon for me. But no! The truth is idk what I've been busy with, and yet two nearly a week has passed without me knowing it! Haiz I finally understand why people say time flies. Because it does, like literally T.T

No time to waste from now on! I signed up for this internship - in L-A-W! Yes! Who'd thought someone like me who makes slacking habitual and adores convenience governing my way of life, would go for an internship! The thing is, unlike what everyone thinks law is like --- okay maybe the topics are a little boring, but the people there are great! Nothing beats a warm welcome from people I've never met before in my life yeah? Uh that's taking it a bit too far, but you get the idea :) so courtrooms and papers, here I come!

Should I go on? Yup as usual tuition was here to make my day. Lols who am I trying to kid? Somehow I was having lapses in consciousness (cuz of the majorly LONG day) and couldn't really concentrate. All I can rmb now is yawns and more yawning. Omg did I just throw my parents hard-earned bucks away? Eh hope not la. I did learn something! Considering I'm so smart afterall right?

My journey to awesomeness? It's not as smooth sailing and fun as I thought. Especially since I lack the drive and determination :p but haha I learnt how to play chords on the piano! Not sure if it counts as knowing how to play it though...nvm! At least I know stuff here and there, so it kinda makes me a girl with a fair amount of talents :) alright must really stop getting so full of myself. Oh yeah before I forget, THANKS YEOON! for teaching me how to play piano and a bit of guitar too. Took quite some pestering (my skills!) to get him to help hah!

Btw I realised that there are so many ppl who speak PROPER English unlike me! Must really do something abt my singlish/slang before it causes any embarrassment xp gotta find a teacher? Or shall just practice lots and lots!

Needa have more talents. Like real ones I can be proud of. Bits and pieces aren't going to get me anywhere right? Jiayous I know I can do it! Just one question: how do I start? D: will figure it out ASAP!

The very very very last thing. I finally confirmed my suspicions and established a fact. I'm talking rubbish don't mind me! So here's the damn lousy analogy:
After eating more strawberries, I realised that I really love them. Everything about them. How do I know? Because I've been thinking of them all the time and I have cravings immediately after I eat them. I don't even mind when sometimes they don't look that nice because I like them for what they are. I'm can't help but like them a lot a lot. But that doesn't mean that the strawberries are delicious for my sake. They don't feel the same way (wth they're emotionless) and I'm sure of it. And now it doesn't seem to be such a pleasure to see them. More like a mixture of sweet and sour - that's exactly it.

Sweet because the memories were happy ones. Sour because something that is forced, that doesn't seem optimistic, that can never be told, will never be sweet.

Looking back on the things I've done, I was trying to be someone. I played my part and kept you in the dark, now let me show you the shape of my heart.

Disappointed.

2010-11-22T19:37:00.002+08:00

I'm damn disappointed now.
Why does it feel like the whole world has let me down?
Emptiness is more hard to bear than loneliness. :(
I never knew that a promise would mean nothing. That it could disappear into thin air...
Is it that unimportant? Am I that insignificant in your heart?

Thanks for waking me up. Not for destroying my beautiful dream.

Say you're sorry that face of an angel comes out just when you need it to.
And I paced back and forth all this time because I honestly believed in you.
Holding on and days drag on.
Stupid girl, I should have known, I should have known...

BAD romance

2010-11-16T23:39:00.004+08:00

hey i'm back here again. i'm so proud of myself, becoming a more regular post-er alr xD shucks does this seem like i have no life? lols nvm la!

alright updates on my very interesting/boring life!

on monday - yes first day of sch after op break xp - we went for open house auditions! we as in some of us from gechuang :) omg it went much better than i expected and sounded like we've almost certainly gotten in haha. except after that hsuchen told me they were laughing while we sang. damn rude! but anws, i think i'm liking gechuang more and more each day!

tuesday. eh i realised only two days have passed so far and there's nothing much to report about heh. school ended at ard 1230 again so there was plenty of time b4 tuition to slack away. stoned in the LT for a while, then to canteen and to music room and finally library. did NOT do anything constructive other than learning piano :P omg i must must learn how to play!

first day of tuition in my whole life and i was so nervous! there wasn't anyone i know there (yea who would need tuition like me anw? lol.) and everyone just stared awkwardly at each other/the worksheets. it was quite okay though even when i found out i'm screwed for kinematics! oh but the shock came - why did this happen?! - when i saw A LOT OF CATS outside the building. and they were blocking the only way out! T.T in the end i ran out screaming (like literally), it was so UNGLAM. luckily nobody was around to see it. phew.

how am i going to survive waiting six hours on thursday without ppl to accompany me? haaaiz. oh talking abt that, really want to thank cheryl for pei-ing me today for so long haha. although we both know it's cuz of the rain xD and the movie was great! especially since i picked it. gosh i really like those kind of plots - maybe i'll be fine with glee then?

our school is so happening! what with all the orientation and open house stuff! there are some things i would rather not bring up, but i should start to take things in my stride alr. i mean, grow up will you? stop breaking down so easily.

i decided it's really time to stop lying to myself, seeing that it leads nowhere. i know it, i know it perfectly well, and yet i chose to hold on to a fantasy that probably won't come true. my excuse is, i have a right to dream. yup, it's true. BUT there is a difference between dreaming and being delusional.

yeoon's right about vocalising our goals. not just that, we have to work towards achieving them too. so don't be unrealistic and i'll be okay.

and moses, he's always so nice. i still believe the day will come when that someone who cares about me, appears. it's just when.

before that, i have to learn to let go. aiya feel like crying again laa!

BAD ROMANCE!

2010-11-15T00:20:00.002+08:00

I really MUST STOP watching idol dramas! Omg look what they've done to me :p sighs. But even though there's only a glimmer of hope that the plots will happen in real life, it doesn't hurt to dream once in a while right?

In a few hours, it's back to school and back to reality again.
And seriously, I don't care alr la! I want to crrrryyy!
Why is it that you can have me in tears without doing anything?
Why is it that you don't turn back when I call out to you?
Why is it that you drift further away whenever I reach out to you?
I'm tired of being the one with all the questions and no answers.

Before I complain or feel sad once more, let me indulge in my dreams okay. I can't help but be drawn to those beautiful stories.

Every smile. Every look. Every gesture. Every word you say. Every time you show you care.
It touches me. The beauty of love.

Beautifully painful.

p.s. I'm afraid this time I need a super loud and persistent alarm clock to wake me up ~.~ bleh.

2010-11-13T12:00:00.003+08:00

I think I shld cultivate the good habit of sleeping and waking up earlier. :p

School is starting soon! I think there's only one week left? Omg but I realised we haven't gotten the timetable yet! D: shucks. Needa go find someone to ask bleh.

Went to sch ytd to prepare for open hse auditions in the morning (gechuang is going for it!). It felt so great when a group of us sat beside piano, some strumming the guitars, and sang the songs we liked. I guess I really love singing :) and I hope we get through the auditions; it would be nice to bask during open hse!

These few days there're always little things that happen that made me happy :)
An sms from my friend.
A chat on msn.
A phone call from someone. I'm so glad you remembered :)

I want to say thanks to all the ppl who brought happinesses and laughter to my life.

Yet I realised the ppl who make me happy are the very same ones who can make me sad. Because I care about them. I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing. But I know that I need more time to determine your importance to me. Help me alright.

Haha I hope I can go out today! Staying at home is sian ttm. -.-"

2010-11-11T20:34:00.003+08:00

I think that I should post today. For a 不能说的密秘.

Okay today was quite slack, just staying at home, watching tv, fetching my bro from sch and...that's about it. In other words I was bored to death! I guess I'm not someone who likes to laze around uselessly eh.

Omg I'm kinda nervous about starting to go for tuition. It's sort of an insult to my intelligence (if there's enough left) because I never had to go for this kind of thing in the past. I'm full of apprehension and anticipation at the same time; partly cuz it's a new experience and partly cuz I don't know what to expect, plus who to expect too. So, I'm scared. T.T

I should be scolding myself for being so easily affected by things around me. Even trivial issues like smses from other people can cause a drastic change in my mood ie. make me sad for the whole day. :( bleh. Forget about all the bad things alr!

Nvm. Btw, I'm rewatching this idol drama called Green Forest, My Home. It's not my fav one but somehow I felt like watching it again. I wonder what it's like to live in a world full of lies. When you lie to someone, how much hurt do you inflict on him? And how much harm do you do to yourself? There is no right or wrong in love, you'll find happiness as long as you follow your heart. :)

I'm trying to do that. Yet I realised that I can't walk into your heart. This my present to you, even though you don't want anything from me. That's why I'll bury the words deep within me, and hope when enough time passes by, you won't occupy all of my thoughts. Like now.

It's so quiet. I wish you happiness, same for me.

I want to erase all of these from my mind. I know I don't mean anything to you. Then where did that aching feeling come from?

Tell me why.

2010-11-10T22:07:00.002+08:00

Went out with my sis today to shop for her prom dress :) haven't been to orchard since...I can't rmb when xp but anws it felt great to be back there again; had so many nice memories there. Sad thing is, couldn't find anything that my sis liked so we came home empty handed T.T whatever la, shopping is always enjoyable. :)

Talking abt memories. I never knew that I could miss secondary school so much. Never knew I could miss my friends and rgs so much. Yeah, so we're all in rj now, but things just aren't the same anymore. In the past, it was a lot simpler, we were naive, yet that didn't matter. The only thing we worried abt was sch work. Call me a nerd but so what? Simplicity is the best way to lead our lives.

There is a huge transition, from sec sch to jc. For one thing, everyone seems to have no qualms about letting our hair down to party like mad, or to show no regards for the school rules. Is this freedom? Or have we changed, not for the better but worse? I have to admit, the fun is addictive. However, after that...what next?

Haiz why are there so many worries in life?

Okay now for happier stuff!
I found a bag that I love a lot! :) shall get it the next time I go to plaza sing...
PW is finally over! Wheeee! Haha and I think it was great xD
I just feel that I look super pretty today. Is it the hair? It just makes me happy :)

I decided that I need to keep an open mind about everything. Perhaps it's true that something good will come out of all this.

Like you. You make me happy as much as you make me sad. You have so much influence over me that I'm beginning to act like you. I'm not sure if I should tell you or keep it to myself. And I don't even know how much I like you. All I know is.

I like you. A lot a lot.

2010-11-07T18:17:00.003+08:00

I'm kinda nervous for tmr! Omg hope we're okay cuz we haven't exactly done any proper rehearsals yet, and I'm so worried about all the wrong pronunciations and the Singaporean accent which my sis says is irritating. Alright. Must be calm.

I can't put my mind to memorising my script so let's hope I've rmbed enough to not refer to the cue cards too much!

Woke up at 0600 today. We arranged to meet at moses' place to rehearse and finalise everything. To be honest I still feel unprepared after that. Anw we didn't stay for long becuz he had something on afterwards *winks*. So jiayous tmr and don't panic. Too much.

I think our class is going out for hotpot after op tmr. From what tengyang said, guess the turnout won't be good, but who cares. We need to have our share of fun for surviving this intense and tormenting period right.

Oh and I'm going for physics tuition. I registered for this workshop thingy which costs a bomb, but I really don't mind (not sure abt my parents xp) if it helps. I wonder if I'm seriously that lousy in physics, or that I can actually do well if I were more diligent. :(

I've had too much ups and downs in my emotions over this weekend. It's...overwhelming. And it makes me confused and helpless because...well, it just does. I shouldn't be sad over a disappointment about something that never happened. Yet, there's nothing to be happy about.

Hmm think it's got to do with my personality? If I am optimistic in nature then perhaps I can find every reason to be happy. I just got to be more cheerful la! Will keep that in mind :)

reasons to be happy:

I have lots of good friends :)

I love my family and they love me too x3

Music! As always :)

School - it makes life more interesting.

I CAN. I WANT. and I DESERVE TO. be HAPPY!

Shouldn't waste my life away, since there are so many important things for me to do. I have dreams, and I know they are not there just to be decors.

Reminds me of this song. Watched camp rock again quite recently, and feel that it's fab. I feel exactly like Demi Lovato did in the movie. I'm looking for my identity. Who am I?

this is real. this is me. i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be now gonna let the light SHINE on me! now i found who i am. there's no way to hold it in. no more hiding who i want to be. this is me :)

Life is full of hope, only for those who see it. I'm never gonna give up again.

2010-11-05T23:26:00.004+08:00

I've lost all my senses. I'm doing things irrationally. Just stop it already. Anw, stuff do not always so as you wish, so wake up, period. Sighs I think I've been thinking damn idealistically. Must be under the influence of the korean/taiwan dramas I've watched. This time I'm just going to laugh it off and tell myself that it's plain stupid. HAHA.

Not gonna say anything because two of my frens said it's better not to.

Okay. Report of the day. It was all pw and nothing else. Alright I admit I wasn't doing much work, except giving comments here and there and rehearsing once, but hey, it's the thought that counts yeah. We spend ONE WHOLE DAY - like literally - to put together a new video. And though it may be biased, I personally feel it is super touching. And yup, I seriously feel like doing CIP after seeing it!

The highlight of the day (ie. the only thing I can rmb) was the fun we had! Shall not elaborate to protect the privacy of my friend. Omg but it was a THRILLING and FUN EXPERIENCE. Guess there was at least one good thing that happened.

Oh. Before I forget. Haha apparently my friend saw me at the station and he said I looked better than last time. God bless him! Thanks! xoxo Uh the whole story was like: I was going up the escalator but rmbed I had to get smth, and then realised all the shops were already closed (it was 2230 alr, for god's sake), and when I got back, the train was leaving T.T And he happened to be inside xD I was really HALF ASLEEP lols.

Kk. I shall remain positive and not delve too much into certain issues le. It is both physically and emotionally taxing, not to mention it is fruitless as well.

Heard this song?

OMG PLEASE STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM!

2010-11-03T22:09:00.002+08:00

I got a new jacket today! :) it's the gym cca jacket which is super duper nice, and which I have been pestering kwuntong to give me. Haha and he did! Made me a happy person for the rest of the day. :D

Nothing much is going on other than pw. Oh yeah, had our last gm for the year today. Attendance was still quite sad, but our direction is clearer now - that's a good thing. Thanks Moses for REALLY listening to me feedback hah.

Kk tomorrow is dedicated to op rehearsal, because our group is guilty of not even having done one until now xp but yes starting alr la! Hope I can finally be able to memorize my script...

I had this realisation that I wasn't very involved in his life. It's like we're each in our own enclaves and never interact. And for this reason, I feel real sad. Is there any way to change the status quo? I wish so badly for us to have things in common.

We don't talk now. We don't meet. We don't even say hi to each other properly. I hate the way things are going. In the exact opposite direction I wish they would.

Yup so I have this plan. It isn't very feasible? Right now the only thing I worry about is if he remembers I'm still here. I'd rather be hated than be ignored. At least that way, I know that he is well aware of my presence. Now what? How do I go on?

dreams

2010-11-02T21:23:00.008+08:00

I didn't get to apply for any h3 subjects. And it's almost confirmed that I'm going for physics remedial. Yes, that's right, I'm damn lousy. Want to cry already la! T.T

Okay usually at this time, I'm supposed to see the silver lining. Where is it? Oh well. I thought of this nice quote in the bathroom - in between songs - that is, you can only see the light of dawn if you look beyond the horizon. (or has anyone thought of it already?)

Like what moses said, I'm like those people who spent one whole year without knowing exactly what I did with my life. It feels like going on a journey, thinking that you were looking for something, that you had a goal in mind, but returning empty handed, and realise that you've accomplished nothing. And that really SUCKS.

So yup, fml.

BUT. There're always little things which come out of it. I've been thinking. A lot. About the purpose behind the stuff that I do. I'm as close to my dreams as when I first started out. What does it say? NOTHING. I just have to be more focused, be more hardworking, and be better in prioritising. *mental note*

Answer to moses' question to us: at the end, I want everyone to remember my smile, my friendliness, and how much love and happiness I bring to others. Everything else doesn't really matter.

Back to life right now.

PW OP. It's the single most important thing currently on my (and everybody's) mind. I just need to memorise my script! Although I really don't feel like it. Maybe after Thursday, the crazy op group practice session, I'll be able to etch it into me memory. Aiya, no choice.

Mmm. What else?

Before I forget, I seriously am very confused about something. If anyone - miraculously - pop by this place, can you please clarify what these mean?

Symptoms:

1. never fails to look around to detect this person's presence.

2. becomes very flustered/nervous when you spot the person.

3. wants the person to notice you are there too.

4. wishes to interact with the person.

5. just can't stop thinking of the person

If anything can be solved with a simple diagnosis and prescription, would the world function in a less complicated manner? haiz.

Start of Something New

Living in my own world
Didn't understand
That anything can happen
When you take a chance

I never believed in
What I couldn't see
I never opened my heart
Ohh
To all the possibilities

I know
That something has changed
Never felt this way
And right here tonight

This could be the start
Of something new
It feels so right
To be here with you, ohh

And now looking in your eyes
I feel in my heart
Feel in my heart
The start of something new

Ohh yeahh
Now who'd of ever thought that, mmm
We'd both be here tonight

And the world looks so much brighter
Brighter brighter
With you by my side
By my side

I know that something has changed
Never felt this way
I know it for real

This could be the start
Of something new
It feels so right
To be here with you, ohh
And now looking in your eyes
I feel in my heart

The start of something new

It really felt right until it became so wrong.

2010-11-01T22:43:00.002+08:00

Today is the first day of November! This is a special month for me, but I shall not say why. Waited real long for it.

Anws, haven't been posting anything for quite a while, not that it matters since no one comes now due to it's lack of activity xp ironically, this makes it more like a blog cuz some stuff are meant to be personal right?

Okay so what have I been up to? Let's backtrack...

Had FOUR hours of pw today, dry run #2. I think our group was the most illprepared out of all the groups, yet we managed to survive. I managed to survive by reading from my script (when I'm supposed to have memorized it D:). Yup, so she could totally tell that we were under-rehearsed (truth is that we didn't rehearse AT ALL), and told us to practise at least TEN more times as a group. Fine. We need it anw.

Gave flowers to our econs teacher as she is leaving (us and not the school, just found out today). As expected, she was damn touched :) some glitches along the way, yet it was a pleasant surprise nonetheless. Gosh and I finally can understand why girls LOVE FLOWERS. The feeling when I held them in my hands were indescribable. Alright, that is, minus the weird stares from people ard me all the way to sch -.-"

Further back? Hmm guess it would be promos results :( did I mention it alr? I did more badly than I thought I would or could. Did not meet my parents expectations, much less my own. They didn't scold me or anything, for a change, and I had mixed feelings about it. Whatever it is, I'm seriously fed up with disappointments, and I wish they'll go on their own! :(

Now I needa mug and find tuition. Yes even AFTER PROMOS.

Yeah we've now come to the incomprehensible part. I'm gonna speak in codes from here, so decipher if you can. But I doubt so :)

I've thought over it countless times. And still can't seem to be able to know exactly what it is. I mean, it just creeps so stealthily into your life and stays there until you finally realise the consequences. However, by then, it would have been so deeply rooted in your heart that there is no way to get rid of it. What to do? I think I should nip it in the bud.

But. What if I don't want to? What if I want to see it blossom and find it what kind of fruit it will bear? I know it's risky. Life is about taking chances right? If you don't try, how will you know for sure?

I really hate the fact that some things are starting to become so important to me. I do care - what about others? Should I just leave things as they are, or should I explore deeper to be more certain about what I want?

I know what I'm going to do. The only question left is: when?

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly

2010-10-21T17:08:00.003+08:00

Breakaway

I grew up in a small town, and when the rain would fall down, I just stare out my window. Dreaming of a could be, and if I end up happy, I would pray. A wish can be so simple, yet life is a hell lot more complicated. Staring out at the rain, wondering when my dreams will come true - if they do.

Trying hard to reach out, but when I tried to speak out, felt like no one could hear me. Wanted to belong here, but something felt so wrong here, so I pray, I could breakaway. Even when I'm drowned in the crowd, I still feel alone. Would anyone ever listen to me wholeheartedly? I tried very very hard to fit in, even changing myself. Don't you know how difficult it is? I really hope to breakaway.

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the skies. I gotta make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway. Whatever it takes, no matter the consequences, I want to give it my all. Because I'm overbearing, I won't rest until I get what I wish for.

Out of the darkness and into the sun, but I won't forget all the ones that I love. I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway.

Want to feel the warm breeze, sleep under a palm tree, feel the rush of the ocean. Get on board a fast train, travel on a jack plane, faraway, and breakaway. There are so much things I want to do. For once, just let me taste freedom and take risks okay?

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. I'll do what it takes till I touch the skies. I gotta make a wish, take a chance, make a change, and breakaway. Out of the darkness and into the sun, but I won't forget all the ones that I love. I gotta take a risk, take a chance, make a change and breakaway.

I mean what I say. Take me seriously, because I want to be heard.

----------

After today, I can't help but feel that I'm this useless, clumsy, immature fool. Okay I'm like major putting myself down, so what? Everywhere I go, I just get more and more confirmation of the worst in me. FML!!!

Alright there is a trigger. To be honest, more than one.

ONE class chalet. Whoever came up with this dumb idea of night cycling? Now people just think that I'm this idiot who cannot cycle properly, when EVERYONE can do it better than me. Maybe even a kid. How humiliating. Please do not show pity or whatsoever for me, because I just feel insulted.

TWO IHC. The truth is that IHC was never a big deal in school last time anyway, so why would I care? I know that I'm rubbish at sports of any kind, BUT! Why is it that NOT a single person asked me to go play anything? Do you know how pained I feel when people get asked tons of times in front of me, while I get IGNORED?! Fine I didn't sign up, so?

THREE promos. I don't need to wait till monday to know how my grades suck. If there is even a tiny possibility that I'll get retained, I'd rather die, like seriously. I mean, I've always thought I was awesome in my studies, but JC proved that I was so wrong. Time to work damn damn hard. And yeah, perhaps I really am dumb; surely I can't be THAT lousy right?

FOUR you guess what. There are some stuff that I will never forget my whole life. NEVER. Although it does not appear so on the surface, these things are always in the back of my mine. It's like getting stabbed in the heart, and escaping death so fortunately, yet leaving a deep scar right there in the middle of the chest. Yes my heart still throbs, but nobody realised that it still hurts once in a while when you touch it. It hurts.

You're probably feeling annoyed like my sis whenever I complain to her about life in general. And I do admit, I'm not a good person. I hate to hide my unhappiness, I dislike suffering on my own, I'd rather be selfish and seek comfort from others.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going. Yup, no doubt about that. I'm not tough; in fact, I'm super fragile, to the point that this particular incident is all that it took to shatter my heart. The broken pieces are glistening in my eyes. Please teach me how to pick them up without getting cut by the sharp edges. I can't do it.

it started with a kiss

2010-10-16T14:08:00.003+08:00

recently i fell in love with this tw/kor idol drama called 恶作剧之吻. and though the storylines are almost exactly the same, i'm watching both versions at the same time. i can't believe that i'm so addicted to it alr.

hmm it must be the plot. an atypical one where the story revolves around the female lead who had been secretly in love with the male lead for four years. four whole years! can you believe it? even though she is supposedly dumb and normal and irritating, her personality can make anyone like her immediately. the kind of persistence for her love is admirable yet laughable sometimes.

and it is the girl who takes initiative to pursue the guy that she likes. they belonged to different worlds at first, but a turn of events brought them together at the very start. then she starts to follow him around all the time, making him the center of her attention. i've always though that this is rather shameless, but i realised it is also the kind of courage that i might never be able to muster for the person i like. so what's not to like about her?

i guess in that way, she is special. the guy is overwhelmed by her rashness and idiocy, but in his heart, she has left a deep impression on him. without knowing it, he gradually developed a fondness for her. maybe in real life, it will not happen, but i believe that anyone will appreciate her natural way of expressing herself, not like other girls who are usually hypocritical. me included, as much as i would not like to admit it.

she continues in her pursuit, only to be rejected and treated with aloofness time and again.

he continues to give her the cold shoulder, not recognising the fact that he had already fallen for her.

when is the right moment? where is the right place? who is the right person? opportunities do not come easily, but it is made worse by people who do not know how to treasure and get hold of them while they can. instead of waiting and leaving room for regrets, why not act now to achieve what you want? impulsiveness can be a virtue too.

in this game called love,

there is no right or wrong, there is only yes or no.

the question is not when is the perfect chance, but when can you pick up your courage to confess your feelings.

success comes not when the person you like feels the same, but when you are able to face your heart bravely.

and do not ask if doing something is worthwhile or not. instead ask yourself, are you willing to do it or not.

no hard and fast rules, simply follow your heart. because as what the mum says, a person's heart is not like an exam question; there is no single answer to it. so what is the right answer?

人的心不像试题，只有一个答案。那么正确答案是什么呢？

want to find out the answer? go and watch it - it started with a kiss :)

life really sucks

2010-10-11T21:54:00.002+08:00

there's a drastic change of situation. right now i'm in a mood for no reason. just feeling like saying life sucks over and over again.

back to school. not as bad as i thought (except for the early mondays ):). yea but then nothing special too. as usual, the night before school reopened, i had a long chat with my sisters. it was mainly about stuff related to school, uh too personal to be shared. i can only say that irritating as they are, they can be great listeners when they want to be. so i went back with an open mind!

ah hah. did a new fanciful hairstyle today - actually my sis did it for me because i'm hopeless at hairstyles T.T but the sad thing is, nobody noticed the difference. what a waste of beauty man. nvm. and spent like a few hours in the library - after promos for heavens sake - reading a book. damn boring having to wait for cca to start. it was a nice read though.

so first day came and went. peacefully. normally. boring-ly. maybe tomorrow will be better? i can't help but dread the day when results are released, the first day of my internship and the pw op. how can i be happy with so many worries??

one positive thing that happened this week is that our class is having a chalet which my parents allowed me to go. BUT. you got it right there's always a catch. that is, i CANNOT stay overnight D: i mean, what can possibly happen? so damn unreasonable to make me miss all the fun. hmph. at least they still let me go. how can i complain?

alright! have to go chiong pw alr. time is always a luxury for us. siiiiggghhs. again.

p.s. i suddenly like leehom wang a lot because of his song lyrics (and melody ofc). omg he's so damn talented. especially since he acted tgt with crystal liu in the movie, so grew fond of him almost immediately. go go go and listen to his songs; you wouldn't want to miss out on stuff that good! *points to the previous previous post*

2010-10-06T23:32:00.000+08:00

Whoa. After the irritating, intolerable, interminable promos period, exams have finally ended! My life has gone stagnant with promos but things are coming alive now!

Okay. So I didn't do very well and I know it. That's damn damn unfortunate. Siiiiggghhhs. Still. Should enjoy every single second of the day while I can!

Right after the last exam (chem *weeps and sobs*), we went for class lunch followed by ice cream :) the turnout was even better than the last class outing as joce said; we had lots of fun hanging around! It was real real nice to just spend time tgt like that.

Ytdaaay! Class outing in the afternoon! Seriously though, why did it feel like we were competing to see who was later? Oh well. Impt thing is, quite a few people turned up!

Lunch was at subway, after which we went ice-skating. Omg I was super apprehensive at first, considering my fail experience at roller-blading ;p yet I had so much fun and picked it up faster than anticipated. THANKS TO KAT for guiding me when I started out and also Yidan who came later :) although ppl began to complain about blisters afterwards, we had an awesome time!

Shucks. Almost forgot. Thanks to alvin too for lending me gloves (we wore the same gloves FYI xD), so my hands didn't die from the cold! *so touched*

Next up was our class's specialty, time for stoning! (we were deciding on what to do bt somehow ended up not doing anything for eons -.-") you could so see the obvious look of boredom on chinjie's face LOL.

Somebody was decisive enough to settle on bowling for us. Haha many first times for me huh? Found out that those balls weighed a ton and that I sucked at it for that matter T.T wells. Nice try nonetheless!

How else could we end the outing? Took many many many photos to capture the fab memories we created.

Alright so at the end of the day, here's what I've gained!
A marvelous experience - learnt ice-skating an bowling!
A favour - I know I'm quite unreasonable but alvin DID block my face hmph!
An ELDER brother - as chinjie agrees, it doesn't matter who's a bit older ;)

For the first time in ages, I finally have the feeling that LIFE'S GREAT!

at least not today

2010-09-25T14:43:00.002+08:00

i'm not the foolish, naive, simple girl that i used to be. i hope not.

i guess after promos, it'll mark the start of something new. whatever it is.

and here's what i decided to do.

even if you are the one who makes me smile

even if you are the one who makes my heart skip a beat

even if you are the one who i miss everyday

even if there are lots of reasons why i like you

yet, if i have to let go of you, i will. no matter how hard it is.

kiss goodbye

Baby 不要再哭泣
这一幕多么熟悉
紧握著你的手彼此都舍不得分离
每一次想开口但不如保持安静
给我一分钟专心好好欣赏你的美

幸福搭配悲伤同时在我心交叉
挫折的眼泪不能测试爱的重量
付出的爱收不回还欠你的我不能给
别把我心也带走去跟随

每一次和你分开
深深地被你打败
每一次放弃你的温柔痛苦难以释怀
每一次和你分开
每一次Kiss You Goodbye
爱情的滋味此刻我终于最明白

幸福搭配悲伤同时在我心交叉
挫折的眼泪不能测试爱的重量
付出的爱收不回还欠你的我不能给
我才明白爱最真实的滋味

每一次和你分开
深深地被你打败
每一次放弃你的温柔痛苦难以释怀
每一次和你分开
每一次Kiss You Goodbye
爱情的滋味此刻我终于最明白

每一次和你分开
深深地被你打败
每一次放弃你的温柔痛苦难以释怀
每一次和你分开
每一次Kiss You Goodbye
爱情的滋味此刻我终于最明白

2010-09-21T21:25:00.003+08:00

sighs cannot post regularly cuz - yea you guessed it - was busy mugging. i guess our class is really full of closet muggers, and i can't even concentrate at home (i mean, look what i'm doing now!). and i'm seriously behind whatever plans i had i.e. slow like hell. but luckily, found out that chem revision can be delayed till next weekend. needa start on econs tmr, by hook or by crook.

i'm feeling super stressed but so tired that i have to take a break from mugging too. best way to do it is to stay home ba.

okay i'm not exactly in a good mood today. and i'm self-contradictory too. have you ever felt that way when nothing seems right? i'm not going to be happy either way if i do or not do something. so conclusion is, idk what to do. can only emo right?

oh well. what i really want to do now, is to laugh out loud. i just wanna be happy. carefree type of happy. sincere type of happy. selfish type of happy.

i have this long long list of resolutions which only grows and never shortens. looks like i'm a goal setter but damn bad at achieving them. bleh. not good at all.

last thing. i read this book called 泡沫之夏 over then weekends. and had so many realisations that it can't be listed. i hated the ending but i loved the plot (romance novel btw) and some of the characters.

nothing in this world is ideal; not even love, no matter how much we want it to be. we have to accept imperfection simply because nobody is perfect. but in your eyes, there may be a special someone who seems to be near perfect x3

nonchalance and apathy is the best way to deal with things. the more you care, the more you indulge yourself, the more likely you'll get hurt. do not venture too far into uncertainty areas, since you can lose your way easily.

we are all young and in the process of experimenting. do not be too quick to show devotion to anyone, anything, because you cannot be absolutely sure of your feelings. observe first, test it out, then make decisions logically.

follow your heart and just be yourself. you don't have to be afraid of what you are.

it's a great book - go read it, or you can watch it if you want. might not be posting until after promos, so miss me k!

TTL

in korean so no lyrics. is it TTL yet?

tonight

2010-09-13T23:20:00.006+08:00

broke record time in the school library today, left at 1940. the thing is, i didn't actually get to study much cuz i kept going down to get food. talk about being focused eh?

btw, lots of thanks to ryan who helped me get my wallet that i left in class today. imagine if i had lost it...haha blur me. since when did i become like this? D: oh well, thanks!

while walking home from the mrt station, i was feeling kinda lethargic (which also means feeling down la). so i just looked around. the street lights were quite dim, the path was deserted and narrow, and i was engulfed by loneliness. except i didn't really mind the silence.

looked up at the sky randomly, and had a revelation. it was dark, no stars, lots of clouds, but the night sky just seemed so beautiful. i love that kind of beauty. but i wonder how long have my eyes been covered such that i couldn't even see the goodness in stuff around me.

i had a whole new perspective. i like the starless sky, the peaceful atmosphere on the way home, the cool breeze that blows at my hair and how i didn't need to worry about anything in those few minutes. i like it.

i don't want to be so negative about things anymore. yup, i admit, i wish that someone someday will like me not for my appearance but simply because i'm me. that kind of person is hard to find but i'll wait. i will.

my parents keep thinking that i care too much about appearance and i want to attract attention by dressing up. if they would listen, i'll tell them how wrong they are. looking good is strictly for myself because it makes me feel great. it's not to make some stupid dumb guy to notice me. i like it so that's why i do it.

new thought about disappointments. i've been crying over spilt milk (want me to spell out the literal and figurative meanings? xp) all along. it doesn't make the situation better one bit. i was just being childish and unreasonable to make everyone else unhappy too.

i'm not a person who wants to be left alone when hurt. i hope someone is always there to comfort me whenever i'm upset. yet i know i should be more independent and recover on my own. fine.

i think i'm selfish. but so what? everyone have the right to fight for their own happiness and interests. at least i'm not hypocritical and pretend to be some noble person.

my sis says that i'm too nice for my own good. but i don't care. because i am nice, and i don't want to change that anytime soon. i'm nice to everyone but i won't hide it if i hate your guts, so don't piss me off. okay that is actually damn hard.

here's a song. quite sad, but yea.

你不知道的事

蝴蝶眨几次眼睛才学会飞行

夜空洒满了星星但几颗会落地

我飞行但你坠落之际

很靠近还听见呼吸

对不起我却没捉紧你

你不知道我为什么离开你

我坚持不能说放任你哭泣

你的泪滴像倾盆大雨

碎了满地在心里清晰

你不知道我为什么狠下心

盘旋在你看不见的高空里

多的是你不知道的事

you and i should be reversed. when you were flying, i was falling all the way. but you couldn't see the tears because you were too far away. you didn't even notice me. there is so much that you don't know. so much things for you to find out. until then, i'll wait.

alright to bed now i guess. emo is in today.

doing something?

2010-09-11T18:35:00.002+08:00

i guess everyone is busy...mugging. bleh. i've been going to sch to study for the whole week except ytd and on weekends. but, i haven't even finished physics!! T.T to hell with whatever schedule i wanted to have; i need to chiong alr!

yup so this was NOT an eventful week. like what alvin said, this is so not holidays for us. how can it be when i'm studying even harder than during school term? i think i'm going to fall sick soon...

anw, we had a oh-so-rare family outing ytd. my mum suggested that we go to some taiwan food festival thingy in clarke quay. which was really a very baaad idea because no one realised that friday was a public holiday. and there were damn damn lot of people over there. i never disliked crowded places but i hated all the jostling that was going on. =/

in the end, we didn't manage to do anything, so my dad suggested that we go to a fab (supposedly) jap restaurant nearby. sounded great until we saw the looooong queue outside. so our plans went up in smoke again.

i told my dad that we can just go to lau pa sat (this place near raffles place mrt which serves yummy food!), since we haven't been there in a while. luckily there weren't too much people there and we found seats quickly. we were famished by then and finished a whole table of food!

my sis was the best, she ate so much that my parents' got kinda shocked haha. after that we started talking about random stuff like how my sis was such a mean and bitchy person, to what career options we should have in the future, blah blah blah. it feels nice to just go out together once in a while. i almost forgotten how being in a family was like. hmm.

alright that life for now. school's gonna start soon, and i'm looking forward to it.

p.s. have so much complaints but it's not healthy to always lament about how life sucks, so shall bear with it for the moment ba!

---------

nice song!

Should've Said No

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
The smiles the flowers everything
Is gone
Yesterday I found out about you
Even now just looking at you
Feels wrong

You say that you'd take it all back
Given one chance it was a moment of weakness
And you said yes

You should've said no
You should've gone home
You should have thought twice before you let it all go
You should've known that word

'bout what you did with her get back to me

And I should've been there in the back of your mind
Shouldn't be asking myself why
You shouldn't be begging for forgivness at my feet
You should've said no
Baby and you might still have me

You can see that I've been cryin'
Baby you know all the right things
To say
But do you honestly
Expect me to believe
We could ever be the same

You say that the past is the past
You need one chance it was a moment of weakness
And you said yes

You should've said no
You should've gone home
You should have thought twice before you let it all go
You should've known that word

'bout what you did with her get back to me

And I should've been there in the back of your mind
Shouldn't be asking myself why
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet
You should've said no
Baby and you might still have me

I can't resist
Before you go tell me this
Was it worth it
Was she worth this

maybe i should have stopped it before it happened. it's useless to talk about it now. i know, i know everything, but i just can't help it. is it worth it? i don't know. should've said not to it all. i think, being friends is not a bad idea. the problem is, why do i keep that tiny inch of hope alive? i'm not content with the status quo, yet i can't change anything. shrugs.

why lyrics?

2010-09-08T20:25:00.004+08:00

你又不是宇宙小姐何必非要三头六臂

我也不是世界小姐丑点笨点也没关系

她更不是友谊小姐所以可以乱发脾气

谢天谢地我们是最普通的唯一

there is no need to always be the best. more importantly, you should be yourself. do what you like, get what you want, behave like you, just you. being yourself may sometimes seem inadequate, but the truth is, it is really more than enough.

---------

我知道他不爱我他的眼神说出他的心

倘若说放一次手就像咳一次嗽

我又何苦在乎得不到的温柔

只有我了解真心的感觉美的值得去付出一切

能够遇见你认识你喜欢你爱上你感谢我每滴眼泪

请不要放开我的双手不要缺席我的以后

请留给我慢慢消失的那一道彩虹

the reason why i look out for lyrics of the songs is because they describe people's feelings like nothing else can. no matter how you feel, there is always a song which you can relate to. i think that song lyrics are beautiful, not that they are a showcase of literary skills, but because they can convey so much emotions with such simple words.

---------

alright now something more normal! today is again a day for mugging. and sadly, i'm super behind schedule for physics =/

i mistook someone for another person i knew! so awkward but then i apologised to her le xp

i think maybe there really is somebody who listens to your wishes and make them come true. i met so many people today!

first there's cheryl, who was doing pw in the canteen. can you believe there are six people in her group? then, likhee, chenglong, chinjie and jaslyn who were - yea you got it - doing pw too -.-" not sure how long they stayed though. and next i met yeoon, who just finished pw. srsly, i'm so haunted by pw now!

no wonder they say be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it. happy but shocking at the same time!

mmm. i want to know i want to know i want to know!!! but i can't ask and i don't want to know it so soon. or maybe i do know, and i just don't want to acknowledge the fact. too complicated! and i hate learning to let go!

M^3

2010-09-07T22:16:00.002+08:00

this week is mugging week! =/ everyone i meet complains so much about promos that i'm even starting to sympathise with it alr! xp

studying 24/7 will be total madness, but i'm almost there! going back to school every day to mug in the library to force myself to concentrate on work and not play T.T yup basically now i only have eyes for my notes okay!

today was a quite screwed day, cuz it started out with YES2011 comm interview in the morning. i mean, i didn't really prepare for it, not when ppl like likhee had a nice set of ppt on their hands right? they just ask me questions which i answered shabbily. i guess it's gone, but me and interviews don't actually click (don't get me started haha), so nevermind ba!

had lunch with kexin x3 afterwards at yoshinoya. it's super nice every time we get together since we feel so comfortable ard each other and talk about almost everything xD and now i want to go and visit coco and mochi le! should spend more time with my frens so we can catch up on each other's lives (i.e. scandals!), and also find out lots of juicy info!

and i got past the interview for project ownage (please find out what it is urself k), but i can't go for the OSL. wth! my parents violently object because it's in philippines, and we all know what terrible things happened down there oh so recently. to be honest, i'm this general-knowledge-deficient girl who did NOT know about that. which just made my parents more adamant on their stand. oh well. can a miracle happen somehow? like they decide to change a location? please?

alright back to mugging. that is my greatest concern in life - except... - right now!

i feel like i'm being played by someone. is it fate? i just don't get to meet the people that i want to "accidentally" bump into. that is plain upsetting. it's feels worse to know only i'm feeling this way. haha i think i'm a joke. but it's not funny.

teenage dream

2010-09-04T21:47:00.005+08:00

listen to this!

You think I'm pretty without any make-up on
You think I'm funny when I tell the punch line wrong
I know you get me so I'll let my walls come down, down

Before you met me I was a wreck
But things were kinda heavy
You brought me to life
Now every February you'll be my valentine, valentine

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe this is real
So take a chance and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

We drove to Cali and got drunk on the beach
Got a motel and built a fort out of sheets
I finally found you my missing puzzle piece
I'm complete

Let's go all the way tonight
No regrets, just love
We can dance until we die
You and I we'll be young forever

You make me feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe this is real
So take a chance and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

I might get your heart racing in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight
Let you put your hands on me in my skin-tight jeans
Be your teenage dream tonight

You make me feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream
The way you turn me on I can't sleep
Let's runaway and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

My heart stops when you look at me
Just one touch
Now baby I believe this is real
So take a chance and don't ever look back
Don't ever look back

the lyrics are quite...suggestive? and the video too =p

but...this song reminds me of something someone said before.
a guy who cannot accept you at your worst, does not deserve you at your best.
only someone who can see the best in you during your worst, is worthy of you.
is this true? is there really anyone like that?
who will tell me i'm pretty even when he sees me in a mess?
i guess it's not something you can see. you have to feel it.

alright i'm feeling super super sad right now. and it's not a good sign.

i am me

2010-09-01T20:08:00.004+08:00

cuz we are living in a material world and i am a material girl

i realised that i'm a normal person. like duh.

i'm just the average girl, who likes to dress up, likes to have fun, likes to talk to lot.

there's nothing outstanding about me. and i hate it, cuz i'd rather be anything but ordinary.

but someone once told me i'm not ordinary at all. i guess that's the best thing i've heard! thank you so so so much!

i tend to keep things to myself. it's the way i am, or maybe i just haven't found anyone who i can open my heart to.

which is why i lie. i lie about how i feel. because i don't want you to know.

my sis told me that i'm actually transparent, so subtle doesn't work for me. :O

if that's the case, if i'm so explicit about everything, why can't anyone see through me?

sometimes, i yearn for people to care about me, to love me, to tell me i matter.

i am strong. i try to stay strong.

when the tears come, i wipe them away and chide myself for being so weak.

yet i really hate to be left alone. =(

i depend on myself all the time. i work hard to get what i want.

if i don't get it, too bad; life has to go on.

if i do, i guess i'll be overjoyed. it hasn't happened yet, i'm still hoping.

i'm true to myself.

i can't and i don't like to pretend to be somebody else.

call me ego but i think i'm awesome, and i'm confident of myself.

it's a sort of reassurance that i need to have to go on.

i'm honest, and straightforward.

i make mistakes, perhaps too often to be acceptable, but that's only natural.

i'm clear about what i like and what i don't.

i judge. not always. but i do. who doesn't?

i'm picky and i complain a lot =p

yup. i know i'm not perfect. but so what?

at least i'm me. i'm special. and that's enough =)

you know that we are living in a material world and i am a material girl *wink*

2010-08-30T14:23:00.003+08:00

i guess i should be saying happy teachers' day to all our tutors! jc teachers are so not what i expected them to be like, instead they're all fun, friendly and awesome! haha or maybe our class is the lucky one xD

and anw i'll be going back to rgs and maybe pri sch. sadly our school is NOT right next door like some of you lucky people *jealous!*.

---------

school! pw's almost done. with PI and EoM out of the way, all we have left is WR, which gladly, we're super near completion and only need the appendixes. that should be fine except that i realised we have to do it BEFORE promos. wth! alright, we'll get by...

did i mention that everyone who's supposed to be back is back? from reach cambridge (btw, why did i not apply?!) and yog. both are damn damn damn fun. i srsly dunno why i didn't take part in any of them. oh well. next time ba.

---------

my posts nowadays is just bits and pieces everywhere. i have so much to say, but am bad at organising so bear with me k?

---------

i've just read a book recently. again. it's some romance novel. yeah i admit it, it's the only genre which i read okay. but the point is, no matter how many times i read it, i'm still touched by the kind of love that is depicted in the story. i mean, is it even possible in real life? if liking a person can really be so beautifully heart wrenching, why should we hesitate?

yet, no. just like the song lyrics that says: the sky is filled with stars at night, but how many of those are mine? the answer usually is none. *looking out of the window* but there are no stars tonight! at least i can't see any T.T sighs. some things are just destined not to be.

---------

i'm trying not to emo. somehow, things and people are progressing at a pace which i cannot take in, or become used to. it feels great to reminisce about the past, but looking at how much stuff has changed, it adds a woeful touch to the memories. time never turns back to wait for anyone, so it's my turn to catch up!

---------

i've given up on crushes (long long ago?). i think that they're so juvenile and meaningless. these so-called feelings are not even real and once you get serious, the inevitable piercing pain on the LEFT (ok it's right that i didn't take bio hahaha xD) side of your chest acts as a wake up call to tell you it's time to stop. and you return to where you began.

---------

i should end with a positive note. which is a song =D lemme think...okay this one!

just gonna stand there and watch me burn

but that's alright because i like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry

but that's alright because i love the way you lie

i love the way you lie

maybe not really positive. don't be fooled by the lyrics; it's as far from the truth as you can imagine. so don't lie k? it hurts like hell.

what's up?

2010-08-27T11:55:00.004+08:00

you. change your mind, like a girl, changes clothes.
yeah you. pms. like a bitch, i would know.
oh you. overthink. always speak critically.
i should have known that you're no good for me.

hot n cold. that's what things are all about. that's what people are all about. and that's what life is all about. disturbances, fluctuations, turbulence. never peace or serenity. mmm. maybe that's why we have so many interesting experiences. sometimes, it feels great to just lie down in the middle of a field and stare at the stars in the night skies. simplicity is precious because we rarely get to taste it.

----------

i think that i actually like school. and the scary fact is that i like the process of learning. i like doing homework. i like the fact that i know more and more everyday. but school is not just about work. it's special.

somebody once asked me why raffles rocks. what do you think? i've been a part of it for 4 years and more to come. the first thing that came to mind is: people. friends are such an important part of school. without them, i'll feel helpless. so, raffles rocks because of the people here. really.

---------

yog is over alr! so sad i didn't get to watch anything live. because unlike what my mum assumes, i've always liked sports. a lot. even though i'm not exactly good in them. anyway yog2010 is so damn memorable. i'll always rmb that singapore held it the first time.

other than sports, i like music and art too. the problem is, i have interest in so many areas, but i'm not pro in any of them. i'm just average, perhaps less. most of the time, sadly, being average isn't enough. no matter how hard you try.

---------

the year is coming to an end! but before that, promos first. i wonder how much i have to mug for it to be sufficient for me to do well (ie. >3As). don't say it's unrealistic because nothing is not achievable as long as you put in effort. i guess now, it truly is TTL. (time to learn!)

---------

i think i've matured quite a bit through the course of the year. disappointments are excruciating, but they force you to gather all your remaining bit of strength to get out of the deep valley of depression. as always, negative is not negative. the result? you learn to let go of your unhappiness and start again afresh.

idk when i'll reach the limit though...

---------

screwed is perfect to describe how i feel. i think i'm always in this 灰色地带 where i can't even be sure of anything around me. i don't know what belongs to me and what doesn't. and i cannot assert, i cannot confirm, i cannot conclude. maybe someone is playing a huge prank on me, because i never get what i wished for. maybe i'm just luck-deficient =(

i have to pick myself up! (including all the bits and pieces that you've broken so cruelly D:). i know that i'm awesome, and that's all it matters. i don't want to give a damn about you anymore. why should i?

cuz you're hot when you're cold
you're yes then you're no
you're in when you're out
you're up and you're down
you're wrong when it's right
it's black and it's white

but we won't break or make up.

whatever it is, i'm outta here. you're not in my world.

yog!

2010-08-22T22:08:00.003+08:00

yog. how do i mug for promos when i'm so distracted by yog? it haunts me everytime i switch on the tv and once i start, i can't tear my eyes away from it anymore. there are so so many sports that i want to watch. :(

okay here are some quite good sports people i really like

isabelle li - omg i just realised that she's damn good at table tennis. i mean she's just like those korean players who test their opponents patience to the limit every time with their annoying xiao1 qiu2 technique. although she's not as good as them (such as the one i saw this evening), i'm sure she has lots of potential! and clarence chew? i guess he's doing fine, just a pity that he cannot cope under stress and continue further. cheers to both i guess!

liu jiao - i know that china has dominated diving for the past -something- decades. but she's so awesome at this. i mean the difference is so great that you can tell she's loads better than the rest of the competitors. no wonder that she got gold ba.

chinjie! mmm i've never seen him compete before, until this afternoon (and on tv!). he looks very focused and determined out there on the mat. i think he must like judo a lot, to treat it so seriously. i'm full of admiration for his persistence; hanging on till the last second. it's the kind of spirit that not everyone can show. good job!

i learnt an important thing (yes, i always have this kind of revelations after special incidents happen =p) from the games i've watched. the true meaning of sportsmanship - i can't pinpoint what it is, but it is there in each and every sportsman. a simple handshake after competition may seem customary, but it is a sign of respect. whether you smile or cry after the competition, it is for yourself, not to gloat or to reproach.

that is why, i realised, winning or losing does not matter at all. in the end, just ask yourself whether you have given your best, and if you did, there's every reason to be happy about the results. this applies to other area in life too. i did not understand this before, and shed lots of tears which are actually unnecessary. ultimately, nobody will reprimand you or condemn you just because you failed. and if you wish to make yourself miserable, who can stop you?

yet. is there really a need to do that?

so, jiayous to all the althletes! remember to put in your hundred percent, because there's no way that is not enough!

updates

2010-08-21T22:33:00.004+08:00

okay, i haven't posted for really long. it has been a busy period, what with all the SPAs and tests etc. i guess it was a great idea to stay away from the computer to concentrate more on studies. and everything went great, so i'm satisfied (:

i learnt so much stuff from the workshop by people from SOMA. even though i DO NOT play the piano or the guitar or any other chords instrument, i still like music, a lot. and i love singing so much that no matter how others criticise me for it, i won't be faltered. that's me, determined, or perhaps just stubborn, whichever way you see it. i'm gonna start on my composing soon, and i hope i'll get some inspiration to come up with good stuff.

what else? oh i had an interview just ytd. and i was so surprised that what i had hoped for came true. it was quite fun and comfortable speaking in that kind of setting. i wish i'll get it, but if i don't - no big deal ba.

and went for a movie session on thursday, since i was getting sick of mugging. caught love in disguise (instead of street dance which i wanted to watch badly), and totally loved it cuz it's a great movie. especially the music. i think lee hom wang is damn talented and crystal liu is damn damn chio!! go watch!

btw, i've had this kind of thinking since forever: the world is fair; when something is taken away from you, there will be some sort of replacement or compensation for it. this year, i found out my belief is groundless. i've lost so many things but gained nothing. maybe i did benefit from the experiences but it was not what i wanted at all. when those things so dear to me were lost, i felt like i was going to die from all the hurt. it's all over now.

it took me long enough to get over that one disappointment. i was upset from April till now. but i'm okay already, almost...almost there. how can i be the one making myself sad? it just isn't right. i realised, finally, that there are much more to life than my own little world. i can't be solely concerned about myself, as it is super selfish.

there are so many things i can accomplish. and there's nothing impeding me except me. so i've decided to scale greater heights, and even if i fell, even if others got to the top and i didn't, even if i get badly hurt and cry, i won't stay in that wretched state for too long. because, i know, that there are other mountains for me to climb, and i'll eventually conquered them.

whatever happened to optimism? i feel that it's a habit. if you do it often, then you'll get used to it. it has nothing to do with you. begin to think positive, beacause like what someone told me, life is beautiful.

here's something i want to share, from an advertisement on tv:
从一数到十，你到底有多爱我？
嗯...秘密！
Time is Love.

actually i don't understand this, cuz it doesn't make sense to me. but i learnt a very important lesson from it. that is, if you love someone, do not hesitate to tell them. each moment you spend with the person you love is a precious one, so treasure the time you have together (that's why time is love? o.o).

yet, confession requires a great deal of courage. and i don't have that kind of courage. i'm cautious and want to make sure the feeling is mutual before i reveal it. i'm afraid of getting hurt. i know all it takes is a few words to make all the difference in the world. the thing is, can i bear the consequences if i can't have a happy ending? the answer is obvious. no way i'll say.

Seek and discover

2010-08-21T01:28:00.000+08:00

Time is a precious resource. Trying desperately to hold on to it, only to realise that it is an arduous task. Yet, it's such a pity to just let it pass you by.

Living each of our lives. We spend time to ask and seek answers to the questions we have. Who am I? What can I achieve? What do I treasure?

For some matters, we do not hesitate to give our answers. Others, we take a long time to make our decisions. Because if it's the wrong choice, the regret is too bitter to bear.

With hope and expectations, comes disappointments. We may not be able to find the answers we are looking for all time time. Perhaps even not a single time.

To receive, we need to sacrifice. And everything does not always go as we wish. No, life is never, and will never be that easy.

Giving up will be tough. The key is not whether it is worthwhile, but rather if you're willing or not. For the sake of things you love, nothing is too great a cost.

In life, we cannot decide on the answers we get, but we have control over how we respond to the outcomes. Success is sweet, but failure is a test of our persistence and strength.

I remember saying that there will definitely be something good about everything. But I don't always see the positive side of stuff. It'd do me better to believe in that logic myself.

Does water destruct or does it breed new lives?
Does the sun cause droughts or does it provide us with warmth?
Does music pollute our minds or does it soothe our feelings?

Do not be stubborn in differentiating between right and wrong. Instead, view the world with an open mind and you'll discover its beauty.

There is as much a reason to smile as there is to cry. Why spend your days in sorrow when you can live in happiness? Optimism and contentment are virtues, which few possess.

Once you do, you will find that the answers you are seeking all lies within. And time can be used to lead a more meaningful life.

Smile when you feel like crying
Care when you wish to be apathetic
Treasure when you are afraid of regret
And most importantly,
Love when you want to hate

p.s. This is from long ago xp shall update on life very very soon!

Lifeless

2010-08-08T12:03:00.002+08:00

I saw a vast field. But there're no vegetation growing on it, no greenery, nothing. It's just so quiet, yet it didn't feel like serenity. There's a slight breeze blowing towards me, so cold, like below freezing point. I shivered.

I heard voices. They seemed to come from nowhere. No, they came with the icy wind. I listened carefully, and the voices got louder. It sounded like laughter, not warm, happy laughter, but cold, sarcastic, directed at me.

I felt so lonely and frightened. I didn't know what's going to come next. Suddenly, everything went black. I lapsed into semiconsciousness, allowing whatever mysterious forces around to take over me.

My thoughts...did I even have thoughts? It all felt unreal. I felt overpowered. However, I could still hear my heart beating away in the distance, getting fainter and fainter by the second. It's still there, no doubt about it.

I opened up my eyes and glanced around. I couldn't sense anything ahead of me. I couldn't see. The darkness is suffocating. I think I'm going to die. Until I realised my hand was cold, and I couldn't detect the familiar rhythm at my chest anymore.

Out of the blue, a shimmering light appeared. It lingered patiently in front of me, wanting to guide me to somewhere. Solely by instincts, I followed it. It went so fast that I had to quicken my pace to not lose sight of it.

I was panting. I've lost it, after all. Momentarily, everything lit up. I saw faces, I couldn't recall who they were, but I knew I've seen them before. I waved and called out to them. They ignored me and ran away.

I reached out. All that was left, was emptiness. I wasn't sure if it came from my heart or otherwise. It pounced on me from every direction. I was trapped. No escape for me. Was I abandoned? How could the world be so cruel?

Darkness returned, devouring the powerless me. I struggled, then gave up quickly. I had a choice between fighting till the end, or giving in to circumstances. I couldn't decide. Either way, it led nowhere.

It started raining. The rain got heavier and heavier. It blurred my vision, it crushed my hope, it washed away my determination. It destroyed my world. It took away all I had. I wasn't given the chance to bargain.

I cried. The tears came on strongly. I couldn't differentiate between them and the rain. Not that there was any difference. I screamed. I shouted. No sound came out. Nobody could hear.

I closed my eyes. I didn't want to look at this mess. A life - my life - that has no meaning. It blacked out again. Only this time, I let it happen. Perhaps it would be easier to end it now.

I'm in pieces. Will you fix me? And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream...I'm going down down down down...

afaik

2010-08-05T22:31:00.002+08:00

i think i'm really immature in my thinking (this sounds kinda weird huh?). yup. after listening to what my dad said just now, i felt like i'm this narrow-minded person who is overly insistent on certain stuff. i mean, you have to say my results were damn lousy (especially in comparison to last year), and they had a right to be mad. i wouldn't even disagree if they decide to ground me for eternity until i get all my A's. alright that last sentence is probably a lie, but you get the idea. actually i am kinda not allowed out now, it's an unsaid rule.

my dad has been making an effort to come home earlier, maybe to show more care and concern for us as suggested by my mum? although he has been super busy these days.
okay here's the dinner conversation:
dad: so have you started your tuition? (he means physics remedial)
me: yup
dad: how come you're still eating? (time was a quarter to nine, quite late)
me: haha i eat very slowly =p
dad: is that a good or bad thing?
me: sometimes good and sometimes not ba.
dad: that's true, it means eating slowly has both advantages and disadvantages. as with everything else right? (i knew he was trying to say something)
me: uh huh.
dad: so there are actually both sides to getting bad results. (he didn't elaborate so i couldn't find out what was the good thing about it sighs)
me: O.O dad, did you just attended a lesson today?
dad: no, why do i need lessons to understand such a simple logic?
me: yup, but the thing is not everyone can think that way. (i.e. logically)
dad: well, everybody should know. yet, when parents wish for children to do well, they lose sight of certain things.
me: (nodding my head) => change of topic to ask about how was everything going along for him blah blah.

see? my parents are not that bad after all. they do reflect on themselves and try to give us space. which is why i'm feeling guilty for not working harder. no point regretting, guess i have to make up for it in whatever way i can. and i realised that sugarcoated words work much better than reprimands on children regardless of age.

national day celebrations today! shall start from the start (duh!). i was not so early for school - omg i really need to wake up earlier or smth, cuz if this continues, i'm gonna be done for! and, found out new stuff about one of my classmates; so sorry for not noticing it before. ;p went on learning journey tgt with 6O, and was damn envious of their activeness, enthusiasm, love for music and strong bonds! if only our class could reach one-tenth of what they're like, them i'll be satisfied (yes it's that bad!).

one thing i cannot stand is that our class is so damn freaking segregated. having cliques is one thing, but being in different clusters ALL THE TIME is plain annoying. i never liked cliques and will never do, so can everyone stop behaving like we belong in separate worlds?! that's why i'm so appreciative of joce trying to talk to everyone. we should all learn from her. =)

i think the concert was quite fail, for the lack of variety and quality in the performances. ahem. don't be offended k, stating facts here. some were good, honestly, but others... and my greatest complaint is the venue - how can they fit everyone in that tiny club? standing for two hours doesn't help us get into the fun mood, and we can't enjoy the concert when we can't see anything right?

cabbed home with jolene and cheryl. i was tired and annoyed and pissed off, so i got into a bad mood while walking back. and i want to apologise for not making it to dinner with the rest (which is not a lot of them considering some people ditched us for their movie session - refer to serious problem identified above =O), but it didn't make sense for me to go for dinner then go home alone when i can have company. had dinner waiting at home anw, so it was probably the right choice.

oh yea, for the people who will be mia for the next two weeks - moses, srruthi, shawn, chinjie and laura - we will miss you guys lots and i'm sending you lots of love right now hahaha. remember to enjoy urselves in Cambridge, and all the best for YOG!

that's all i have to say? wait, not yet.

i'm still learning how to cope with disappointments, because they usually come in bulk or one after another. either they're trying to get me down, or make my recovery period much shorter. the thing is, if there were a limit for failures, i would have reached the maximum already. i know life is not smooth sailing, but nobody told me that after the tsunami, there will be strong waves that totally destroy my boat, and leave me floating helplessly in the oceans. how do i swim to get help when i don't see the shoreline anywhere? it's getting impossible to hang on; i'm drowning in sorrows. btw, how did i get so good at analogies? xD

i ascertained some stuff that has been on my mind for the past few weeks. it doesn't feel good to learn about the truth, especially when i didn't expect it to end that way. i'm taking a passive stance because it seems to be the right decision. i'm feeling rotten inside out! why does life have to be like this? argh.

no i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple.

first!

2010-07-31T20:44:00.002+08:00

hi! it's the first day of the month! okay, maybe it isn't something worth getting excited over, but shrugs. anw, here i am, blogging and not doing my work - i swear i'm going to get to it later.

alright where should i begin? shall just give an account of what i did this week ba.

wednesday - it all began with hip hop! i think i see improvements, though not so much, and i'm quite glad of it alr! i really REALLY like dance :) after that it was just free blocks and lessons, nth much to elaborate on. ohh but when physics ended, our class stayed in the LT for abt an hour, where almost everyone had their turns at playing the piano. except for talent-deficient people like me - i want to learn it too! it was super enjoyable, and i can tell you that if there is one great thing we have in common, it is the appreciation of music, and it is the special thing that makes us so awesome! no matter how much i complain, i love this one thing abt our class x3

next up was entre! we had another operation - pitching -.- i mean lots of credit goes to the exco for thinking abt ideas to make GM more fun, but i feel that they can do better than this. our group was quite fun! though hongteng and james left early, but the rest of us - amos, rachel, yuanteng and me - managed to crap out something for the pitch. it was soooo creative haha xD

thursday - hmm what happened? i guess it was just another typical school day. lessons after lessons with no break! ended quite early la. then went to the library to mug while waiting for joce to go out for ice-cream later. i slept all the way through because i was damn tired. imagine sleeping at 1plus for three consecutive days. what a nightmare.

yidan was supposed to go too, but she couldn't make it back after her movie. we went to island creamery, reached at abt 5plus. the ice-cream was yummy! i ordered two scoops - burnt caramel and pingpong milo (cool names?) - and was so full from the sugar rush ;p we talked for an hour, abt lots of stuff which are quite personal la. i'm so glad i we talked cuz it made me realised and understood a lot of stuff and got me thinking. thanks joce!

friday - started out the day on a wrong footing, since i was damn LATE for school. but funny enough, i met zhenn on the mrt. haha sometimes things are just so coincidental that it's kinda interesting. anw, we reached sch at a quarter past 8 (no kidding, it was THAT late). good that mr chan was super nice and didn't scold me or anything. but hey, i slept at 3am okay, it's no wonder that i didn't hear the alarm going off.

highlight of the day must be PE! we did our fat test with mr seah. as usual, he was so so hilarious. omg i need to learn from him; i mean, how does he make everyone laugh so easily? i wish i had the gift of the gab too. btw, i had 15.7% fats in me, and i'm happy that it's not some weird freaky amount that i expected xp i think i should exercise more, to make my resting metabolism higher. not that i have that much calories to burn off hah!

dinner at subway with yixin. i love the double chocolate cookie! no need to remind me abt the amt of calories in there! then we rushed off to meet linh to go for CIP together. it was a disappointment though, cuz the child i was working with, syairah, didn't come. technically, i had nth to do, so instead of just stoning, i did a little bit of work. i was dying from the fatigue i had been feeling the whole week; maybe that was why i fell sick. home at 10plus, and guess what? i fell asleep almost immediately.

woke up at 1plus today! haha i feel like a pig, but srsly, i was so tired that i couldn't bear to drag myself out of bed earlier xD

now, to revise my list of resolutions!

LIST OF RESOLUTIONS FOR MYSELF:
1. Do all my work dutifully ~ shucks i should pull up my socks!
2. Be more understanding towards my family members ~ getting better since they have been so nice to me too!
3. Show more care and concern to my friends/classmates ~ this one i'm not sure...okay i'll pay more attention to them in the future - talk more xD
4. Get my priorities right ~ haha uh i feel so guilty. guess i have to be more rational in my thinking.
5. Have a positive mindset ALWAYS ~ even i can see the improvement myself! ;D
6. Limit myself on unnecessary expenditure ~ working on it...i'm thinking of getting something soon though =p
7. Reflect on myself periodically ~ isn't that what i'm doing now? :)
8. Manage my impulsiveness more carefully ~ yes, i'm getting there
9. Try to keep my emotions in check ~ that is, if i weren't so confused myself right? T.T
10. Ta-da! Create a better ME! ~ what can i do? it takes time!

I need to face the music soon - parents + progress report = volcanic eruptions. Just have to work out how to clear up the damage later.

in other words, please be true

2010-07-27T23:05:00.003+08:00

how i wish i was a part of them. it's kinda depressing to be just an outsider, not being able to contribute in any way. maybe i'm not good enough. maybe. it's not enough. i want more.

yup ytd. went for chorale concert. omg it was fab! i mean i never knew that they could sing so well, given that i've never really liked the way people sang in those choir-y voices =p but i guess i was a little overwhelmed, and awed. my fav was actually the school song, i think it's the nicest haha. anw great job jocelyn and laura!

after that we went to the double helix bridge (idk if this is the name...), close to the YOG place. the singapore river was so dark and scary at night that i didn't dare to look down. the place was quite empty except for a few others, and i'm surprised how long we stayed although there was nth much to do. we dumbly waited for the lights to switch on (which they did only periodically), and camwhored when they did xD

reach home at abt 12plus, but had lots of fun! why are the pics not on fb yet anw? so slow sia.

today! okay day at school, ended with gp where my essay plan failed the test. i thought it was good enough, to be honest, but somehow the teacher managed to identify so many problems with it. it means that i'll have to redo it. =/

oh and spent a lot of time talking to srruthi. =) found out that she is super nice and has an interesting life hahaha. shall not say anything more. but after talking to her i began to reflect on myself too. maybe i was too rash and immature, i'll learn from it and not make the same mistake anymore!

had house comm interview! it's such a rare instance that i'm so honest about things. and i srsly didn't know why i signed up for it. just to try it out? no pressure there.

shit i forgot abt the worse thing that happened. i got back my PROGRESS REPORT. which is so not up to expectations that i'm alr thinking of various ways to kill myself BEFORE i get murdered by my "amiable" parents. somebody save me? by making them disappear or smth? T.T so screwed!

now for more inspirational stuff!

what has passed, is the past. what will be in the future, no one can predict. what we can hold on tightly to, is only the present. this is my realisation of the day, to live at the moment. probably cuz i've not much of them left le >.< alright kidding la but still...

i suddenly remembered. had a fleeting glance at a girl who looked damn chio in the mrt station juz now. but i swear she spammed tons of makeup on her face; if she can look that nice without any on, i'll be impressed. i want to learn eye makeup! it really work miracles! but i'm hopeless at makeup and i don't do it at all.

why be delusional? must be able to like the your true, natural self and have confidence in your appearance. otherwise, how do you expect others to like you? i love everything abt myself, except my GRADES right now. sighs. perfection is so out of the question.

so where was i? i have a feeling that this is post is getting real long.

i must do some work before my parents find out that i'm not actually technically doing my homework. and i must go on a mug-a-thon so that even when they see the BAD-ED, they can't blame it on slacking. are you kidding me? me? slacking? fine maybe sometimes, but i'm damn diligent eh.

yea, and stuff i wanted to say since...whatever. i find that i rly hate people who are not true to their words. all that talk about being responsible has obviously gone down the drain. i admit that it's cuz i feel unfair that i have to go attend events when others are doing major ponning exercises. but i have a right to k! so what if this thinking is governed by self-interest? at least i know that i'm rational.

nowadays i keep thinking that there is nth much to do, but every time i ask, the amt of work never seems to decrease! could it be that i'm procrastinating too much? D:

and i'm going to kill whoever that tells me he/she has started studying for promos. i mean, where did you guys find the time and enthusiasm for it? get a life, for heaven's sake. wherever you are though, please please influence me with the motivation to mug. tyvm.

inception: dream or reality?

2010-07-25T17:32:00.002+08:00

Inception is real fab, you have to watch it to know it.

I think the scriptwriter must have been great to think of such an awesome plot with deep philosophical meaning. They explored deep inside the human mind, and found out that our dreams reveals our innermost thoughts, who we are and how we feel.

Dreams are the exact opposite of reality, yet thay can seem so real all the time. Perhaps subconciously, we have been building a ostensibly perfect world inside our dreams, which reflects our desires, our emotions, our memories. That's why dreams are usually so sweet right?

But we are also taught the dangers of messing around with people's thoughts. Once you have an idea planted within you, it is nearly impossible to get rid of it. So we should be more careful before we shape our opinions about certain issues, because we may be totally mistaken, for all we know.

We find comfort and reassurance in our dreams. Yet we should not get confused between what is constructed and what is existing. Do not indulge too much in your illusions, for they may take over your mind, and make you lose control of yourself.

All of us have the ability to differentiate between dreams and reality. It is merely a matter of choice. Escapism does not solve any problems; it worsens them instead. You just need the courage to face them.

Time to wake up and look at the world around you. Accept everything graciously, and do not try to force anyone, or anything to happen against their own will.

However, hold on to your dreams. It's a pity to let go of something so beautiful.

Is this how it should be?

2010-07-24T11:17:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling down now. Sitting here listening to some professor talking abt Singapore-China relations. But it's kinda interesting la.

I think I don't know anything about me, about you, about them. How do I achieve the level of understanding I want? I'm too dumb le.

I wish I could talk to anyone, everyone easily without reservations. Easier said than done. Sometimes it's so intimidating to speak to someone, albeit he/she is ur classmate, when we don't interact much. I'm tired of trying (not) alr.

It's scary how people can change so much in such a short period of time. I mean, I do want self-evolution, but I can't control who I am. Why is it that personality can change that drastically? Such that I don't even know who they are anymore? Maybe we're in separate worlds, unlike before, and it's time to redefine the word "friends".

I'm in this ironic phase when I'm trying to avoid someone even though I want to see him so badly. I can see that we're slowly becoming strangers, and I don't know how to stop it from happening. Are you even real? Why don't you do something?

一只蝴蝶拍动翅膀，随时可以让德克萨斯州起龙卷风。
The tiniest actions can have the greatest repercussions. Don't underestimate yourself. You may be really important to someone, although you may not know it.

Time to take a look at myself. I hate this person a lot. Why do I always overthink? I really need somebody to talk to right now. Who? Help.

Anw, went for oteam interview ytd. It was...like that. I realised you can be disappointed even if you don't hold any hopes. At least it's better than falling from heaven to hell.

Some things just can't be said no matter how much you want to have it out.
Some people just can't be given up until you have tried and failed; yet even then, letting go will be the last thing you wish to do.

madly medley

2010-07-23T00:00:00.003+08:00

Always been the kind of girl, that hid my face. So afraid to tell the world, what I've got to say. But I have this dream, bright inside of me. I'm gonna let it show; it's time to let you know. I've been down, now I'm blessed, I felt a revelation coming around. Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe? Yesterday my life was duller, now everything's technicolour. The party don't start till I walk in. As we go on, we remember, all the times we had together. You lift my feet off the ground, spin me around, you make me crazier, crazier.

And there he goes, so perfectly, the kind of flawless I wish I could be. I'm standing here but all want, is to be over there. Why did I let myself believe miracles could happen? Cuz now I have to pretend that I don't really care. This is just a dream. And you will never break my heart in two again. Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors it's the morning of your very first day. This is real, this is me, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be now, gonna let the light shine on me. I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

-----------------------------------------------

I have to post something about our class soon. Some things just can't be kept bottled up right?

hot n cold

2010-07-19T23:37:00.003+08:00

2010-07-19T13:45:00.001+08:00

Today was (not) a fairytale.

Shall start with the celebrations ytd. We had hotpot for dinner, which was kinda sian cuz I really wanted to eat out. Then after that the cake! It was a mango cake (Jia-chan's fav). Omg sweet sixteen! I'm past that age alr :( wells.

Gave her a beautiful necklace (thanks to Yiwei), which she didn't like at all. Uh how do I put it? She nvr rly liked this kind of stuff, but I just dumbly bought it for her. Sighs.

Went shopping for her bdae present today at j8 (srsly why do we go there everytime?!) picked out a new slingbag for her, which I think suits her style - plain old brown xD can trust my taste la haha.

Had to rush home to babysit my bro cuz my mum was going out :p sometimes I wish I didn't have this responsibility...don't get me wrong! I love Christopher so much! Just that he can be real troublesome sia.

Spent most of the evening watching shows on funshion and tudou, so it's basically wasted ba. There's lots of work (gp!) to be done, and I haven't started on any. Die alr la. :x

I can't post this now cuz there's no connection. This was written at 0000. Gotta go sleep since there's sch tmr. And I'm exhausted.

p.s. please tell me not to think about you. please teach me how. please make things right as they were before. maybe then I won't be miserable anymore.

i'm going down down down down...

2010-07-16T12:14:00.002+08:00

woke up real late today cuz i slept at 0200! xD

first thing, HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZHENG JIA! x333333333 my dearest dearest pretty and smart and fun sister! love you so much! am going to get you a birthday prezen soon!

i think we're not going out for celebrations, cuz believe it or not, my sis likes it at home. so different, but well, she's SPECIAL.

came home late ytd, so didn't have time to blog. so let's start from the beginning.

it was just a normal school day, and for once, i went out earlier so i didn't have to rush too much. met yun shu and claudia on the train so we walked tgt. and i realise i rly have to take the initiative to start conversations with people, if not it will be oh-so-boring.

tried a different hairstyle too (major thanks to fan-chan), which many people complimented on. hahaha i shld do that more often, that is, if i ever learn how to french braid myself ba.

so, assembly first. boring as usual, waiting for the break commander (anw what kinda weird thing is this?). i was looking for something else. saw something that made me rly rly upset though, i guess i was...a little disappointed?

trying not to care abt it, but it made me moody for the rest of the day. not that anyone noticed anw. okay yimeng and kwuntong did, but i told them i was just tired. always use this excuse when i'm sad, and people accepts it without much doubt. sometimes i wish they will be able to see that i'm lying, yet that rarely happens.

that accounts for my low level of energy for the whole day. and i wasn't able to concentrate in lessons all day. it's rly disturbing how some stuff can get to you so much.

PE was lecture, not what we are looking forward to, but mr seah is so humourous and hyper that it got us going too. if only other teacher could make us laugh like that! xD he kept us there for quite awhile.

handed up the application form for o'team 2011 afterwards. there were so many people signing up, i guess it'll be a tough competition. just try my best and let luck handle the rest! i want to be an OGL so much. for my sister mainly (she's in BW too!), and a...side reason ;p

had another thing going on after that. omg imagine how surprised i was when i saw the teacher there. sighs, probably not gonna happen, so no hopes there.

i keep wanting to bump into somebody, and when i finally did, well, i just did. how do i make those dumb thoughts go away? i decided to give up everything and focus on more impt matters. i can't stand it anymore.

btw, saw some seniors dancing and i was in awe. i mean it doesn't look like much from the dance moves, you'd probably think any average person can do it, but you're so damn wrong. they way they can move their body is so amazing, and requires lots of skills. once you try it, you will know how hard or complicated it actually is. must keep practising to get it.

i was a little late for my cip in the afternoon. it's at beyond social services in amk.

our duty include teaching the children how to read and also to tutor them in their work. the kid i'm working with, her name is syairah, is super cute and obedient and nice. she learns quickly too. i like her a lot alr though i've only known her for abt three hrs. i feel like i'll enjoy this cip, and it's not even half as bad as what i thought it would be.

got home at 10plus, and i was quite restless le.

my sis borrowed a dvd from sch, called pride and prejudice, which we watched tgt. i can't believe i have nvr read that book before, cuz it's seriously awesome. jane austen is known for her romantic plots, but she brought her works to a whole new level. if you are able to understand her underlying messages, you'll be able to learn a lot.

that's all, and we're back to today! only imperfection, is that i hope i can think less abt it. :(

moments of magic

2010-07-15T22:28:00.002+08:00

have you heard this song before? it's one of the past year national day songs. it's (Y) so go listen when you have time ba.

i suddenly had this revelation. life is made up of a lot of moments added together. in order to achieve great things, you need to grasp the opportunities presented at the correct moments. once you've missed it, that's it. no turning back, no second chance. no apologies needed too.

a conversation you had with someone
an act of kindness
a first impression
a smile

tiny events in life can have huge impacts on you. they may not seem important but sometimes they can determine whether you get something that you've longed for. so starting from now, do not overlook any moment, because you may seriously regret it when you look back and realise what you've lost.

after that long speech, i guess the point is to live every moment of your life fully.

can't remember who, but someone said that it's so much easier to give advice to others than to heed you own advice. yup, i'm trying real hard.

there are countless disappointments along the way. the people around me may be discouraging. the bare minimum that i can do, is to have total faith in myself. if i succeed, applause please. if i fail, then just smile and pick myself up. i wouldn't know until i try right?

haha i think i'm getting super good at positive thinking xD

okay i'm damn tired now but i can't sleep yet. have something sooo important to do. *yawns* though kinda brain dead le.

i know that i can be dumb at times. oh and WHY DO THEY HAVE THAT REQUIREMENT FOR GRADES?! anw, when i ask about stuff, no matter how brainless it may sound, i honestly have no idea at THAT point in time k.

and why am i always so flustered when i see that person? forget it. don't want to waste energy thinking.

the thing is, right now i can't find any connections between fly me to the moon and singapore town. ANY IDEAS? help. argh.

2010-07-14T18:50:00.002+08:00

i'm like so defeated. even though i knew physics would be screwed, but how can i fail it?! how can i even get anything less than a B for the subjects?! jc life is rly screwing my results. shit. have to mug mug mug. >.<

i realised that i'm too slack alr. although i stay back (almost) everyday to study (so-called) in the library, i haven't been able to make much progress in my work. and i take ABOUT AN HOUR to solve ONE PHYSICS QUESTION. alright, i've accepted that i'm dumb. gonna tell my dad and mum that i need tuition.

actually that's not much to blog about. maybe i should make the intervals between posts longer. i wonder if anyone reads this, cuz it's kinda frustrating for people to come and see a post that is dated eons ago. feel obligated to post in any case.

i NEED to be more logical. if not everything is going to go as wrong as my CT results, and i CAN'T let that happen right?

i still can't get those words out of my head. why should i be bothered about it? it doesn't even concern me. but i find it hard to pretend that i don't care.

i should just forget all of this, and live life ignorantly. omg i can seriously do much better than now.

life is the road

2010-07-13T23:02:00.003+08:00

it's tuesday. start of the week.

watched world cup on monday. OMG SPAIN WON!!! and I LUV IKER CASILLAS!!! x3 never thought that i would enjoy soccer at all. but there're always exceptions. so from now on, i'm going to start liking it le xD

anw, bad news. got back my gp. did i mention chem b4 that? got a D and a B respectively. it's so lousy that i need to treasure the days while i'm alive, until my parents murder me for it. x.x am expecting nth lower than a C for physics, to make ABCD. but even that may be a too high expectation, considering how i did for MCQ. somebody save me!

okay i'm gonna be terminally depressed at this rate.

i'm going on lots of new endeavours beginning this week. not all of them will succeed - perhaps none of them will - but i'm having this just-try-everything-i-can attitude recently. really embracing the idea of being positive huh? not having high hopes this time since i probably won't live to see them work out. T.T

still, wish me good luck yea?

life is super B-O-R-I-N-G. i'm attempting to add more colours to it. buuut. don't know how to go about doing it. they say the beginning is always the hardest. damn it.

finally i'm looking at lots of stuff with a fresh new perspective. learning how to let go, and not jump into things too quickly. in this way i won't confuse myself and confuse others too. to quote something really cliched, let nature take its course. just make sure it's not in the wrong direction, okay? thanks.

2010-07-12T00:01:00.003+08:00

I'm going to watch world cup later! xD probably won't understand the game, but no harm right? I don't support any of the teams though...only England! Haha. Oh well. Shall learn more abt how the game works ba.

Went out ytd with my mum, sis and bro to amk hub. Watched despicable me - I was really really touched by the characters although zj and zf thinks the plot is mediocre. Only sad thing is that we didn't get to shop ard much :(

Btw, there are too many shows I want to watch but too little time. Plus my mum disallows. Have to figure out a way to watch them secretly hahaha.

Alright, it's past midnight alr, but I don't feel sleepy at all. I had a nap this afternoon again (really turning into a pig huh?). Should have went out with them but juz didn't feel like it. What a rarity.

Anw, after watching so many shows, here's what I've learnt:

1. Treasure those things that are important to you.
The thing is, most people don't even realise what they want till it's too late. Maybe that's why there are lots of regrets in life. If we pay more attention to things around us, and not take them for granted, we won't lose them easily then.

2. Being overly impulsive messes things up.
Jumping to conclusions about stuff makes you irrational, and make bad decisions, because you can't be certain that you are right. Sometimes it's better to take a step back and observe for a while, so that you will know your true feelings.

3. Letting go may be wise if it gets too painful to hold on.
This is so damn right but hard to accomplish. Often, the more you try to hold on to something, the more it slips away. Rather than placing your hopes on something that leads nowhere, why not let it all go? This way, you could be happier.

I guess that's it, until I can think of more of them. Television really is a reflection of life. Just that on tv, all the problems get solved, yet in life they don't. It's complicated.

I'm dying to know if I really feel that way. But what's the point if it doesn't matter anymore? It's not TTL.

plain like H2O

2010-07-09T20:07:00.005+08:00

i wish i had a TALENT. like knowing how to play the piano (or any other instru). being able to dance decently. singing beautifully (NOT out of tune) all the time. having GREAT public speaking skills. anything.

but...i'm like none of the above. even my results are like crap now. oh god. i really feel damn useless. what's the use of me if i can't do anything well? sucks.

shucks. whatever happened to positive thinking?
anw, here's a txt frm long ago abt it, quite fun:
positive thinking is like this: there's a bird in the sky, you look up and it shits in your eye. you don't mind and you don't cry, you just thank god that elephants don't fly.
HAHAHA. xD

wells. i can't imagine that. feeling super frustrated.

btw, i'm certain that i'm a bad decision maker ie. i'm irrational. nth's changed abt my degree of rashness. it's going to get me into trouble sooner or later >.< MUST improve on this.

nowadays my thoughts are everywhere - everywhere EXCEPT where they are supposed to be =p gotta stop myself from blabbering nonsense all the time.

ending off with this insightful message:
there's always a little truth behind every "just joking", a little emotion behind every "i don't care" and a little pain behind every "i'm okay".

don't understand? pay more attention to what people say and you'll discover a lot more things you didn't know, so you won't hurt people with your nonchalance (or idiocy) then.

fml

2010-07-08T21:26:00.006+08:00

mr teoh was DAMN sarcastic today during math. really, idk why he must go to such lengths to lecture us on the length of our skirts (or mainly mine.). i mean...it's not that short right? whatever. i kinda hate it when guys are so particular abt rules on uniform ie. appearance. it shows that they are overly concerned abt nitty gritty details, which should NOT be part of their character. so what if teachers are different? I D C AT ALL!

but everyone tell me that it's real short. oh well. i'm going to wear a super long one tmr. happy? i'm not. fine i admit i'm not guai too.

there's cip tmr too. i don't feel like going for it now. so sian. especially since i had a lousy day in sch. why does it have to start so late btw?! waiting equals boredom and nothing else.

and omg why do i always get distracted from doing my work? i'm supposed to be doing maths and reading my physics and chem and maths lecture notes now. shit. cannot put it off anymore.

know what? i think i've really changed from last time. my sis calls it the "late rebellious stage"; no matter how much i hate this, i guess i agree. i wonder if i'm changing for the better. however, it can't be, when my life is so screwed up at this point. maybe it's even going to get worse. minor changes should be alright, but they can't happen too fast.

i have to slow myself down. before i reach breaking point. time to reflect. again. more solemnly this time though...

i NEED to have a list of resolutions, to make sure i'm evolving into a better me, and not be tempted by the pursuits of a material world. getting philosophical? stay calm.

okay how many do i need?

LIST OF RESOLUTIONS FOR MYSELF (to be constantly revised):
1. Do all my work dutifully (this includes homework, PW, any sch-related stuff)
2. Be more understanding towards my family members: do NOT complain abt parents being control freaks, sisx2 being idiots and all of the above-mentioned being unfeeling
3. Show more care and concern to my friends/classmates (how do i do it? other than going out more with them hmm...)
4. Get my priorities right: obligated to STUDY HARD. and be focused. no stray thoughts pls.
5. Have a positive mindset ALWAYS (even when bad things happen - which is all the time btw)
6. Limit myself on unnecessary expenditure ie. accessories, clothes etc etc
7. Reflect on myself periodically: so that i keep to my resolutions >.<
8. Manage my impulsiveness more carefully (such as not to blurt things out without thinking, to make decisions without much considerations, to jump to conclusions, to cast judgment about stuff before i see the whole picture blah blah...why is there so many? D:)
9. Try to keep my emotions in check. hard, but...that's why i'm making an effort.
10. Ta-da! Create a better ME! no need to be perfect, just get rid of the negative attributes!

i'll take forever to accomplish all those! omg...

perhaps all the obstacles were not for nothing. although i might not be as strong as i should be. yet, reality check. it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

p.s. i realised, the scary part is not how right you are - it's how wrong i can be.
p.p.s. please bear with the not-so-great me for the time being. at least i'm a very very nice person haha xD right?

tired

2010-07-07T22:02:00.002+08:00

i'm feeling restless again, though it's still considered early.

had a damn short day in sch. started with hip hop! =D omg learning dance is really not easy (as i have said many times before...) especially when I can't even grasp the basics well. shit. how exactly do you move ur chest without moving ur shoulders? lol. it's still very FUN anw.

went to j8 to catch a movie, Letters to Juliet, tgt with zeejay. the plot was soooo touching! i almost cried at those emotional parts... ordinary cast, but i really like the message it was bringing across! btw there were less than 10ppl inside the theater hall. guess it wasn't that popular then.

okay i think i've run out of things to say.

got back my physics on the first official day of school (i know! so fast right?), and guess what, failed my mcq terribly, no surprise there at all. i'm so dead alr. die die die.

praying for good or at least acceptable results for the other subjects. please please please.
at this rate, i'm going to suffer from anxiety disorder soon >.<

so start of a new term! i promise i'll work a lot harder. and try to meet the expectations of my parents...all the best to everyone too! haha.

notes and more notes...

2010-07-05T20:55:00.002+08:00

I think there's a note-writing fever on fb now. xD
Too bored alr, so here's one:

1.This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it?
Isn't it too late to ask? I'm doing it.

2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your last name be?
Chen. not gonna happen though lol.

3. Were you happy when you woke up today?
Like no? I was super tired...yawns.

4. When were you on the phone last?
Hmm...if I rmb correctly, on thursday ba.

5.What is the last thing someone bought you?
Eh dinner? haha.

6.What’s something that can always make you feel better?
If there's such a thing please let me know. thanks.

7. What are you excited for?
First day of sch tmr? I'm thinking abt how early I have to wake up >.<

8. What were you doing yesterday?
Spent the whole day lazing around at home cuz my mum doesn't allow me out T.T

9. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you?
I can't rmb...cheryl? xp

10. What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Plain bread!

11. Have a best friend?
YES! Likhee <3

12. Are you scared to fall in love?
I am, sadly...

13. Do you think teenagers can be in love?
I'm going to oppose whoever that says no.

14. Last person you wanted to punch in the face?
Must be my youngest sis. She always pisses me off.

15. What time is it right this second?
2103

16. What do you want right now?
To not be disturbed.

17. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
Let me think...yimeng! on the way home on fri xD

18. Are you single/taken/heartbroken/or confused?
Single...don't make me more confused than I am right now.

19. When was the last time you cried?
Why do they always like to ask? Holidays.

20.Father or mother?
My dad!

21. Do you find it hard to trust others?
Nope. I trust people easily =)

22. How fast does your mind change?
Haha depends on the situation *wink*

23. I bet you miss somebody right now.
Yuup. Not going to tell though =P

24. Can you honestly say you're okay right now?
NO. I can think of so many reasons as to why I'm NOT okay.

25. Why do you think so many people cheat?
Cheat about what? Probably cuz they are dumb.

26. Tell me what's on your mind.
What can you do to make me? LOL.

27. What are you looking forward to in the next three months?
Definitely not CT results, that's certain.

28. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing?
Duh

29. When did you last talk to your number 1 top friend?
Got a few close friends. Not so long ago ba.

30. When is your next road trip?
Not anytime soon. -.-

31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell anything to?
YES. I'm glad I have =)

32. How's your heart? (BPM)
Healthy but UNhappy

33. Have you ever felt like you weren't important?
Do you even need to ask?

34. Do you think somebody's in love with you?
It's good to think there is/are. ;D

35. What are you planning on doing after this?
Watch TV. *feeling slack*

36. When will your next kiss take place?
Hard to say.

37. Have you told anybody you loved them today?
Yup, a few.

38. Who do you not get along with?
Don't have. I think I'm really nice. =D

39. What does your 3rd recent text say?
Yiwei asking whether I want to help her sell accessories and get CIP hrs.

40. What are you wearing right now?
T-shirt and shorts.

41.Are you wasting your time on the person you like?
How am I supposed to know? Alright I admit I am.

42. When's the last time you had a grilled cheese?
Few days ago? It was at BK.

43. What's your favorite boy and girl name right now?
Christopher and Kallynn!

44. How did you feel when you woke up?
Felt like going back to sleep...

45. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now
YUP. Hope it's that someone too.

46. Do you crack your knuckles?
Nope

47. What were you doing yesterday at midnight?
Using fb on my phone.

48. What are your LEGAL initials?
You tell me.

49. Who's the first B in your contacts?
Tianyuan!

50. When was the last time you laughed really hard?
On Friday. Omg it was the most fun class outing!

51. Your number 1 top friend walks out of your life, do you go after them?
Of course!

52. Last awkward moment?
Don't remember, don't care.

53. Are you afraid of the dark?
Uh yea. *feeling awkward now...*

54. Do you have good vision?
Not really.

55. Have you ever tripped someone?
I guess?

56. Have you ever slapped someone?
*guilty*

57. Are you Irish?
What kind of question is this?!

58. Do you use chap stick?
Never heard of it before.

59. Do you have any scars?
Nope! Haha.

60. Is there someone you will never forgive?
As of now, no. But who knows what will happen in the future?

61.Do you laugh off embarrassing moments?
Who doesn't?

62. Name the last person to text you?
Yunshu

63. Would you marry someone 8 years older than you?
Yup. Even the youngest in Fahrenheit is 8 years older, mind you. <3

64. Can you go in public looking like you do?
NO WAY. toooo unglam le. eek.

65. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
You think? My bed is only so wide -.-

66. Is it easy for someone to make you smile?
Who is that someone? Yes.

67. What's the first thing you'll do on your wedding day?
Look beautiful. HAHA.

68. Do you fall for people easily?
Now I think about it...

69. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days?
Nope

70. Do you miss the way things used to be?
YEAH. a lot.

71. How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
Very often. But it doesn't mean I always manage too. Oops.

72. Song you're thinking of right now?
Anything but ordinary, by Avril Lavigne

73. Want someone back in your life?
I guess...everyone who's supposed to be here is here alr.

74. Will tomorrow be better than today?
Tomorrow isn't here yet.

75. What’s the color of you’re shirt you are wearing?
Purple

76. Has anyone ever sang or played music for you personally?
Yes xD the singing was...though. haha.

77. Does it bother you when someone lies to you?
Why would the person lie? If it's for my interest then maybe not.

78. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
Duh

79. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced?
If I'm happy, it comes naturally. A pity I'm not always happy.

80. Is there anyone you wish would fall in love with you?
So what if there is? See how things go first.

Class outing!

2010-07-05T01:09:00.003+08:00

It 0108. And I'm still wide awake. Going to have huge dark eye circles tmr! Luckily I had a long nap in the afternoon haha. Though my sis thinks I'm a pig now ;p

Yup we had a class outing (or farewell for Colin) on Friday. I woke up damn early even though I slept late as usual. Somehow I still managed to be late for 20mins, but at least I wasn't the latest.

We went to sentosa! Fun right? But the beach ie the sand was crap. I got bitten by a red ant! Aarghh. We played captains ball, guys vs gals, and our team won! Like what Ryan said, they were totally owned HAHAHA. Good thing it was cloudy so there was no sun, YET the rainy weather dampened our spirits by a lot.

Supposed to have lunch at subway, and Ryan left for training ard then. We decided to eat at Marche in vivo instead, cuz there was nth to do in sentosa, when the weather was so bad. The food was yummy! Yimeng and I ate pasta and potato rosti (Y). Should go there again!

We stayed on for super long, like two hours? Mainly having idiotic conversation topics like *ahem*. I can only say it was damn lame but funny la. We laughed so hard that I was going to be in tears le haha.

Kwuntong (yes he's always late, and leaves early all the time! Hmph), jaslyn and natalie left after lunch, and we went to harbourfront centre, where we took lots of pics at this wall with a ship as the background. The photos were fab! Then A few others left as well. Oh well.

The rest of us (Eric, likhee, Yimeng, tengyang, Yixin and me) wanted to have dinner tgt so we went to shop first. Visited shops like Zara, forever 21, cotton on etc etc, omg there're so many clothes I want to buy! Where am I ever going to get the money? T.T

Dinner was at sakae. The sushi was delicious! I think I could have eaten the whole thing if I wasn't that full alr xD time to go home after that. It was a really fun outing and we must must go out like this again!

Anw, today, when I was removing my nail polish, my mum suddenly asked why I was dressing up so much. I was so speechless. I mean all gals love to do it and I'm already very very toned down le. What more does she want?

Then she launched into lecture mode, telling me abt not going into relationships early and people don't notice you for ur looks but for ur results only. Wth she expects me to believe that? I'm not some three year old kid okay. Either that or she's delusional. Whatever.

I feel super bad that I didn't do my best to mug for CTs. If I do badly, it's my own fault. Worse still, my parents are going to use it to disallow me from doing almost everything. I know they would. Shit. How sad can life get?

Recently I've been thinking about so much stuff. I feel I've matured a lot. But I still hate my parents for being control freaks; the more they try, the more rebellious I get. I'm doing it on purpose I guess. Maybe I'm still childish ba. Sighs. Btw there are some things I try very hard not to think about, yet I can't really help it. I'm trying to figure it what I want, how I feel. It's probably not going to happen anytime soon though. I realised I'm damn scared to start liking someone again.

Alright I should sleep. Good nights!

this is what dreams are made of

2010-07-01T20:43:00.006+08:00

Haven't posted for a while le. Wells. CTs just ended >.< It was terrible, so shall not talk about it.
Shall share a few dreams that I had, though some of them are a little...suggestive?

Dream 1:
We were at an event. It was at some place that resembled a library, with lots of bookshelves and people reading. Somehow I was waiting for my turn to be interviewed (???). Managed to sneak away haha.

Met likhee but she was with a group of people I didn't know, so we didn't chat for long.

Then, out of the blue, I received a sms from someone (chinjie?) asking if we were having a class outing later. I suddenly remembered I was planning one, and started finding people and smsing furiously to ask who could come. As usual, most of them cmi lol.

Almost immediately, the scene shifted to compasspoint (shopping centre near home) and I was with zj. We were walking past Converse when WE SPOTTED WU CHUN FROM FAHRENHEIT!!! Actually zj saw him first and pointed him out to me.

Omg I swear that he looked better than on TV, and his hair was so nice hahaha. He was getting away so I pulled his shirt xp Next thing I know, I was getting his autograph, but I remained real calm and tried not to show my excitement :D Other people saw him too and he was soon surrounded.

The scene changed again to some film set. The main actor was (guess who?) wu chun. xD The background of the script was sometime in the qing dynasty so they were all dressed in clothes from that period. I was standing real close to him and wanted to talk to him.

But I woke up. wth.

Dream 2:
I was sitting very very close to someone and lying on his shoulder. It was so quiet since we weren't talking, but feel real comfortable and at ease. I think this is a very short dream and I can't remember where it happened anw.

It was super super sweet. Yet. I was real sad afterwards :p

Dream 3:
Waiting for the train at serangoon station. I saw somebody that I know from school. I think he didn't see me so I went to stand beside him haha. But he didn't acknowledge me, so I pretended not to see him too. The train came and we both went in.

We both stood at a corner since there were no seats. People alighted, and we sat down next to each other. He was talking to this person next to him.

And finally, he looked at me and we started to talked too. I can't remember what it was about but we laughed a lot.

The scene suddenly changed to my house, and we were now sitting on the sofa. Still talking and laughing loudly. My mum came out of the room and gave me an evil eye.

I think the dream ended here. Quite abrupt, but it's just a dream. Shrugs.

Cool that I had so many dreams in such a short period. Maybe I should be sleeping earlier from now on :)

disappearing rainbow...

2010-06-27T14:55:00.006+08:00

I think...this is how I feel.
Anw, it's a nice song (Y)

永不消逝的彩虹

我看见你的瞳孔看见的那片天空
你指尖尽头架空属於我的梦

那是清澈的星河那是橘色的云朵
遥远的天国建筑这一道彩虹

你把我眼底的寂寞
彩绘成缤纷的宇宙
跟在你身后带我静静遨游

请不要放开我的双手
不要缺席我的以后
请留给我慢慢消失的那一道彩虹

已经习惯你的双手
牵著我的那种温柔
只有你懂我会流泪是因为最深处的感动

我以为天是黑的你忽然放了烟火
我才发现我生命可以很闪烁

你把我眼底的寂寞
彩绘成缤纷的宇宙
跟在你身后带我静静遨游

请不要放开我的双手
不要缺席我的以后
请留给我慢慢消失的那一道彩虹

已经习惯你的双手
牵著我的那种温柔
只有你懂我会流泪是因为最深处的感动

请不要关掉我的尽头
不要熄灭我的以后
快给黑夜永不消失的那一道彩虹

已经习惯我的双手
你能感受我的颤抖
只要你懂我会流泪是因为最深处的感动

Random

2010-06-25T20:51:00.005+08:00

I'm feeling bored. Found this on fb xD

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, mp3 player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Complicated - Avril Lavigne
yea sometimes it's too complicated to explain. shrugs.

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Shan Shan Re Ren Ai - Eva Xiao Ya Xuan
hmm I wonder what this means xD

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Yong Qi - Fish Leong
maybe not just today. I'm going to need lots of courage...>.<

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
I Want It That Way - Backstreet Boys
to be able to fulfill all my wishes?

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Footprints In The Sand - Leona Lewis
promise to be always there for my friends...hope I can really do that rofl xD

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Teardrops On My Guitar - Taylor Swift
whaaaat??!! uh I think I'm quite emo at times lol.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Jump Then Fall - Taylor Swift
this is so inaccurate LOL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Wo Yao De Fei Xiang - Xu Fei
a nice song :) from what I gather...I guess I really long for greater freedom to do the things I want to do.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND(S)?
Chi Xin Jue Dui - Li Sheng Jie
ummm...not apt at all.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Ring Ding Dong - SHINee
O.O? I'm thinking. I keep hoping he will call/sms me. :p

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Bu Hui Ai - Fei Lun Hai
finally! I love Fahrenheit!!! x333333333
okay my relationships are always messed up, so perhaps I don't really know how to handle this kind of stuff ba :(

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Ge Qian - Jay Chou
whatever it is, as long as it's not as sad as this song, then I'm good.

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Haven't Met You Yet - Michael Buble
lol. how can I like anyone when I haven't met him yet?

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Ai De Wang Dao - Fei Lun Hai
another nice song :) but I can't see the link =.= my parents love me a lot? haha

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Yu Yan - Angela Zhang
this is...acceptable.

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Should've Said No - Taylor Swift
does it mean I shouldn't have left? ;D

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Ying Xiong Mo - Gu Ju Ji
???

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Falling For You - Colbie Caillat
all my friends are lovable! ;) or does it mean what I think it means?

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
A Whole New World
are you kidding me? doesn't make sense.

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Shi Yi - Zhang Han
die because I've lost my love? omg that's so drama. xD

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne
making a mistake when I thought nobody was home xp

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Zui Jing - Li Sheng Jie
recently? nope nothing which happened made me laugh. and I hate what the lyrics say.

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Tik Tok - Kesha
there is something wrong with this thing rofl

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Tai Wan - Fei Lun Hai (this is not the song name, but it's to promote tourism in Taiwan anw)
wow. yup I want to get married to somebody in Taiwan hahaha. :D

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson
if I lose all the things I treasure?

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Zui Shou Xi De Mo Sheng Ren - Eva Xiao
is it that I shouldn't have let go? nvm I'll just hold on tighter to the things I like, in the future.

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Ma De Li Bu Si Yi - Jolene Tsai
missing...

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Xie Xie Ni De Wen Rou - S.H.E
I want to say this to someone. but I can't...
aiya why are all the songs so sad? D:

2010-06-22T23:05:00.002+08:00

I need to mug.
I need to mug.
I need to mug.

Yea, that's all I have to do. But I must figure out a way to tear myself away from the computer first. >.< Determination...

Going to bury myself in a pile of books (actually notes only la rofl) for the next few days until CTs. My parents still don't know that CTs are so near. If they do...I'm DEAD. As far as I can remember, I've been having lots of fun and not doing serious studying. So if I get killed, you know who did it. T.T

I am NOT going to post anymore until after CTs. Yup, I know people will miss me but no choice la xD

In case you want to know how I have been,
I'm still happy, healthy, friendly and pretty ;)
Just suffering from an overdose of definitions and a massacre of of my brain cells. Not to mention lack of adequate rest. yawns.

That's all from me for now!
Good luck everyone for CTs!!! I know we'll all do great :D

2010-06-21T14:52:00.007+08:00

i'm feeling very very lethargic right now. can't seem to find the enthusiasm to do anything. maybe cuz i started serious mugging today (i know it's late...). this post would probably feature all the negative things i'm thinking abt currently.

home: my mum, my dad and my bro is sick. it's some virus infection according to the doc. i'm really worried about them and now they don't let us (i.e. me, zj and zf) get too close to them. so the atmosphere at home is quite dead and cold. it's kinda good for mugging though, quiet enough. i'm super sorry that i don't help out with the housework a lot now that my mum is sick. i hate doing it, but i guess i will try to lighten her workload ba. sighs.

friends: i don't know wth is wrong with them, but no one seems to be around to hang out and stuff. everytime i ask, they'll juz say they're staying at home (to mug, duh) in a very emotionless way, which pisses me off and makes my energy level dip to the bottom. like now. i'm sad and scared too, in a way. it's like everyone's juz off in their own world, not giving a damn about others. way to go.

me: yup, juz established (with help of my sis ofc), that i'm rly a useless person. all i know is go out, waste money, do meaningless stuff (have fun xD) etc etc. i feel so lonely and insecure, and i realised that i'm a person who needs care and concern from people, anyone. a sense of growing emptiness in my heart, that sinking feeling is dreadful. there is something that i still can't get over yet, despite it having happened so so so long ago. i can't say it out loud because you'll only tell me i'm dumb. tyvm.

him: you know something? i wanted to tell you that i liked you a lot. i swear i did. don't know if i still do, but it doesn't matter anymore, not to you right? my sis told me it was juz some sort of infatuation, maybe it is. i know that you knew, and i know that you didn't feel the same way. that's why i didn't tell you. i was told that the things i did were damn obvious, but i thought you didn't notice. until i found out you did.
i liked the way you smile with your eyes closed.
i liked the child-like innocence you have.
i liked the kind of humour you possess.
i liked the way you're so appreciative of music.
however. i HATE your nonchalance and your pretense. i hate my foolishness even more.
i'm going to put an end to it. this moment. and have the courage to move on, to not like you anymore.

i'm sorry that i'm such an emo kid who complains all the time. if only there was a formula for happiness...perhaps things will be better?

okay. back to mugging.

How am I?

2010-06-20T01:28:00.004+08:00

It's like one plus, I'm going to sleep soon cuz I promised myself to finish mugging econs by tmr latest. But it's FD too sighs. I'll figure smth out. Multi-tasking right?

Right this post is abt our class outing on fri! x333333

无题

姗姗来迟
脚步匆匆欲寻回遗失的时光
片片落叶伴随三人的身影
淡淡忧愁如美丽的秋季

欢声笑语
转眼间再踏入熟悉的殿堂
景物依旧却难见到几个相识
这里记载着骄傲成长

沉默不是伤感
而是静静回想

好久未到
这个车站因假日而异常空荡
旅程漫长言语间了解彼此近况
才发现已经习惯了改变

尽情高歌
不及天籁但是毫不拘谨
「谢天谢地我们是最普通的唯一」
知足常乐大家依然明白

沉默不是烦闷
而是静静欣赏

天色转暗
三加二等于五
扑鼻香味带来点点饱足
茶余饭后闲聊增添趣味

走走逛逛
泡泡茶包包衣服
多少惊喜等待着被揭开
照片记录回忆铸造永远

沉默不是疲惫
而是静静祈祷友谊长存

Nice yea? Though ninety percent of the population probably can't understand this haha. Not my best but glad that I still have some sort of flair for writing poems :D

On Friday, we went to kbox and sang for 4 whole hours, just huining, hsu chen and me. No thanks to the rest for pangsehing us hmmmphhh! It was real great to be able to sing our hearts out, and I managed to take lots of pics too xD

Li Khee and Yun Shu came a bit later, at ard 1800, to join us for dinner. The food was delicious! Refer to fb for photos! And we started taking about scandals and hot guys in sch hahaha. Forgot who broached the topics but I was damn interested in them xp

We went window shopping in amk hub for a while (did I mention I bought a bag? moment of impulse...;p), and looked mainly at clothes in the shops there. I should rly go there with my mum or sis someday and do serious shopping. ;)

Then we decided it was late and everyone wanted to go home to rest (not before camwhoring ofc!). Attendance was super bad, but at least the few of us had fun; the rest of them who didn't make it should and would be totally jealous!

Anw something happened today that totally dampened my spirits (if any in the first place). My mum told me I was useless - not exactly but she was like: you have no special skills or talent in the arts or any sports, so even if you do really well in ur studies, that would be pointless too. please go and learn smth and stop lazing around at home okay?

That's why I was feeling down. Oh well.

2010-06-19T13:31:00.002+08:00

Woke up at 0626 in the morning, after switching off my alarm two times. Thought I was going to be late, but turned out the bus ride to seletar camp took less than 10mins. Still I was damn tired...

Anw, reached SYFC before 0800, which was surprising cuz the bus usually took forever to come. The interview was quite okay, didn't get asked too many questions, maybe because they didn't seem too interested either la. Sighs.

The results are supposed to be out by like...now? So I guess I didn't get in ba. Disappointed yea, it's like the xth interview that I haven't gotten past...previously there were...uncountable xD Wells, hope it's blessing in disguise la. Trying to stay optimistic here :)

I wonder what I should get for my dad since it's FD tmr. My mum was still complaining juz now that I always don't help with housework :( Omg I don't feel like thinking now. Brain malfunctioning - must be lack of sleep.

I should probably take a nap. I realise ppl believe in me more than I do myself. That doesn't help cuz it only makes the disappointment worse. Yet I hate it when ppl doubt my capability. Shit I'm not making sense. Sleep, I need sleep...

2010-06-19T00:12:00.002+08:00

It's late at night and I can't sleep, missing you just runs too deep...
...kidding la xD

Went for a gathering today, but too tired to post abt it le, so details can wait till tmr! It was real great though :D

Have an interview at SYFC today!!! Needa wake up at 0600 to prepare. Hope I get in ba.
Omg why am I still awake?!

Going to bed now. Nights :)

YES 2010

2010-06-17T14:39:00.004+08:00

This is going to be a loooong post. Haha. I've been quite mia for the last three days cuz I was at this Youth Entrepreurship Symposium (YES). Yup, shall include as much details as I can rmb ba xD

Day 1:
Woke up at abt 6am (yea wth!), cuz I was meeting Cheryl at the mrt at 0645. As usual, I was late (sorry!), for abt 20 minutes haha. We had to reach at 0830, and the place is at NUS! Luckily, she knew how to get there quick, thanks to her dad, and we reached just in time!

There were sooo many people ard, and rj oso had lots going for this. I was in Fashion & Design industry, together with yunfei, minyi, likhee, joline and weixin =)

The first part was just lots of talks plus questions and answers by entrepreneurs from all kinds of enterprises across industries, supposedly to be helpful to the aspiring entrepreneurs amongst us (which sadly, excludes me =P) So I was kinda bored and started smsing hahaha.

After lunch (the food was quite okay considering we didn't pay a lot xD), we had another panel discussion (which I also spent almost dozing off), and then industry visit!

We went to a place called actually, and another one called actually actually (yup, you guessed right, the owner is the same one lol). The clothes inside there were fab, and they're designer pieces i.e. one-of-a-kind. I saw so much stuff that I like, but NOTHING in there was below 50 bucks, and I'm not that rich okay. Sad. Haha but I'll be real happy if someone buy them for me *hint hint* xD

Later we had dinner together at Just Asia (free flow of drinks and ice-cream yum!), and the food was great, the people there were even better! =) We bonded over dinner, got to know each other well, camwhored a lot and kept suanning yunfei the whole time (yea it was super fun!).

Yet. Something worse came along cuz we had to think of a business idea to pitch in front of judges the next day. We worked all the way until abt 12plus and I fell aslp immediately when I went to bed (tired...).

Day 2:
FORGOT to set my alarm clock. AARGHH. I woke up an hr late (miracle for me!), asked my father to fetch me there, but he was damn pissed I took so long to prepare that he asked me to just take a taxi. Thanks, mum and dad, for letting me waste 30plus bucks on a trip to NUS, and I didn't know that they charged so much for PEAK HOUR T.T

Reached there on the dot, and not everyone arrived! I really regret spending the taxi fare, cuz it didn't really matter if I was late or not, since lots of ppl were anw! Damn it. Totally wasted.

Our grp did NOT have a laptop, so we borrowed yunfei's (MAJOR thanks to you!), and coughed up a ppt in record time! Though the content was srsly lacking in research and stuff, but it's better den nth right? The idea was cool though, we thought of having a clothes vending machine where you dunno what style of top you'll get, exciting eh?

Inevitably, there were talks AGAIN. It was not as boring as the first day, but rly, who likes talks anw? We had to have lunch later cuz the talks went on for eternity (and I skipped breakfast to not be freaking late wth!). I was starving to death by the time they started lunch, and ate a lot. The fruit tarts were fantastic! I wanted more, but they were finished so quickly =(

We had our quick pitch and the judges loved our idea (I think), and they were real nice. Afterwards there was a long waiting time to let other teams finish pitching, which we spent talking main crap stuff, but it was interesting though!

By some stroke of luck, our grp managed to get into the semis. Our idea didn't seem that cool anymore, cuz the judges were skeptical abt the success =p It doesn't bother me cuz I didn't want to get into the finals anw.

The last activity was breakout sessions with entrepreneurs which I was listening attentively to their advice and experiences (see how guai I am?). Though my facil did give me the evil eye when I tried to camwhore right in front of them oops. xD

We had a real late dinner, me with cheryl, yunfei, julian, wanwen and qianqi. Just to gossip a bit, there were major flirting going on, between yunfei and the other two gals, no prizes for guessing their names haha. He said they were "just friends", but we all know what that means right?

Last day:
I was so relieved that I rmbed to set the alarm and woke up early (for once), and had time to prepare and dress up! Though I took a rather long time and still managed to be late for 5mins ( I needa be more punctual!). However, cheryl was even later (15mins!), and she didn't even call me to tell me that. She switched her phone off btw. Hmph. Can't complain cuz I was usually the one running late...

We arrived at the building very very early, and many entre ppl were their alr. (see we're the best right? so punctual haha) Took the opportunity to take entre photos xD Decided to sit as a group for once since it was the last day!

We had to listen to some old boring talk (which was exactly the same as the one we had ytd for god's sake!), and I was falling aslp the whole time. Can't we have something new?

The mass game was quite fun, even though we got ripped off lots of times. It was real funny to see everyone rushing ard to buy and sell things, so kiasu (but it includes us too hahaha). In the end we didn't get anything but good that everyone had fun.

Next up was lunch then sharing session (which just means nap time for me xp), I couldn't concentrate at all, cuz I slept at 1plus last night. Don't ask me why, I just did. The last speaker was rather engaging so I felt a bit paiseh that I looked so uninterested >.<

Finally it was the closing ceremony, with lots of speeches and prize presentation. The best part was after everything we had a photo session tgt (and I can tell you the pics were damn nice!).

OMG and the MARVELLOUS dinner we had! It was the best best part of the whole YES, cuz the food was greater than great! There were sushi, clam, oysters, baby octopus, yup all the luxurious stuff! Have to say thanks to the organisers for such a fab closing to the event!

It was time to go home and I was so tired after three days' lack of sleep. Guess I'll miss everyone there a lot...

p.s. I got complimented two times! A guy said I was cute (both personality and appearance haha), and another one oso agreed xD so sweet right? And another gal told me I looked chio - as you know, I felt damn happy after all the praising =p. Thanks oso to julian who told me he thinks rjc gals are not bad! =D omg love you guys!

p.p.s. I saw this semi-hot guy from ACJC btw, haha and asked my fren to intro. He was super nice but I guess that's the only time we'll ever interact ba siiighs. Have his number though ^^

p.p.p.s. I shall not spend time on wishes anymore, cuz as yeoon says, they won't come true anw. So...haha I guess if I want anything, have to depend on myself right? Go gal!

2010-06-13T18:20:00.007+08:00

I'm in deep deep trouble. Which just means I'm screwed. Seriously.

I went to school for two days during hols so far (yea, I was major slacking during first week with lots of going-out and stuff). And those were the only times when I even took notice of my notes. Why is CTs right after hols?!!! I know. Don't even want to think about consequences. I'll definitely work hard, from now onwards, lock myself at home or smth! Stop myself from going out as much as possible. Or go to school everyday to mug, if only it wasn't that far away lol. Siiighs. Jiayou jiayou!

Good/BAD thing that I'm damn broke. What exactly did I spent all the money on?! I can't rmb T.T
Btw, this is what happened:
Mum: How many times are you going to sch this week?
Me: 3...4 days.
Mum: Okay, you have enough money?
Me: No, I don't have any.
Sis (super evil!): I thought dad gave you fifty bucks?
Me: Where got??? Don't have!
Mum (passing me money): You spent it all alr? =O
Me (don't rmb anything): mmm
Mum: I gave zj (other sis) sixty and she still has some left. Though she goes for work EVERYDAY.
Me: ... ...
Sis (after mum left): Better not ask for more money hor!
Me: >.< Fine!
In other words, I'm going to be penniless by the end of the hols. Tyvm.

Enough of drama. NOT. I always add on to my own troubles...idiot!

I bet you had these instances when you rly want to tell someone smth. But can't. It would be so much easier to have everything out in the open. Past experiences tell me NOT. Shit I don't want to taste it all over again. I don't want to mess up my life. Yet I can't even be sure about what I want, whether it's for real or not. I need to be in control this time. No. Matter. What.

I'm going to be careful. Because I know how fragile it is, how vulnerable I am, how cold you can be, and how cruel reality is. See? Maybe I'm not that dumb after all.

Wdv. I'm going to concentrate on studying right now. BUT. How do you focus when you get distracted by your own thoughts?! Like I said, I'M SCREWED.

Anything but ordinary

2010-06-12T14:07:00.002+08:00

I'm so bored now. Not in the mood to study at all. And feeling miserable...just like trying to hold back the tears. I need something to keep me occupied sighs...

Anyway, don't think I shared this yet. I listen to Avril Lavigne whenever I'm frustrated. Her songs are so nice and apt. Wish I could let off all the steam...

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
It's my lullaby
Sometimes I drive so fast
Just to feel the danger
I wanna scream
It makes me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rahter be anything but ordinary please.

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is this beautiful
accident turbulent suculent
I'm feeling permanent
No way I won't taste it
Dont wanna waste it away

Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh my self to sleep
It's my lullaby

Is it enough?
Is it enough?
Is it enough to breath?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Is it enough?
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please

Realise

2010-06-11T23:35:00.002+08:00

When I was young I used to believe in fairytales. Like really believe them. I thought I was a princess waiting for a prince to come around and create a happy ending together. As I grow up, I found out that there is so much more to life than that. You should really cherish the days when you were innocent and blissful, because they pass quickly and won't come back again.

If only the world was as beautiful as those in fairytales. If only people were as nice. If only happiness was as achievable. Only if...

Looking in the reflections, I see a whole new different me. But not better. I can't proudly boast about my qualities to others. Because, I don't have much left. Tainted by the ugliness of the world. Diminished hopes. No longer pure.

School is too much work. I hate popularity contests, yet they are there. Everyone tries to be at the top, blind to those left at the bottom. So superficial, including me, just...superficial. We aren't certain how we define the peak. Maybe we're all wrong. So many wrongs, do not make a right. Sadly.

Politics? I never knew it was present. Makes people hypocritcal, and cunning. It's getting harder to be true to yourself. Don't want to succumb to the pressure, but we can't get rid of the stress, or resist the temptions.

I don't even know who to trust anymore. I have lots of doubts. And I can't speak my mind freely. It just doesn't work that way.

However. I started making wishes at 1111. I'm going make the same wish for three consecutive days. If it doesn't come true, maybe it's time to accept the reality.

Truth always hurts. Lieing to protect myself hurts even more. I can't decide whether it's better to bravely find out the answer, or to just hold on to a faith in something, though being delusional.

I'm so frustrated. Why can't all the troubles go away?!

2010-06-10T21:33:00.002+08:00

had a shopping trip on tuesday at j8 with zf (we decided to go there in the end =.=)! it was so fun, but tiring oso...good that we bought a few nice pieces of clothing :) walked ard the place for 2hrs plus until we got too tired and found somewhere to eat. then met up with zj and went home tgt.

went to sch for a mugging session - omg i've finally started on my revision xD. but not very productive cuz felt so sleepy and cannot fully concentrate haha. better than doing nth though :p then found out yunshu was in sch too (see we are fated to meet hahaha). and had dinner with yeoon, yunshu (they live practically next to each other and didn't know at all!) and zj at mos; kinda awkward cuz we didn't know what to talk abt ;p

stayed at home the whole day, quite boring, and managed to finished reading two books ;D chatted on the phone for over three hours, broke my longest record, and even fell aslp omg. guess i was tired eh?

ohh. i really like this new show on channel u called steps - it's about dancing ;) did i say that alr? it's super nice and interesting.

yeah, that's abt it ba. shall go watch tv now...

2010-06-07T23:26:00.002+08:00

I really really hate my parents (sometimes just one of them :p). Okay sorry I'm always complaining abt them, but why do they not stop to reflect on their actions i.e. disciplinary methods at all? They really need crash courses on parenting urgently! Hopeless....

What they demand:

1. Come home as early as possible.
Translation: better come home right after school everyday!
Me: try to go home as late as I can without arousing suspicion :)

2. No, you don't have a curfew.
Translation: if you reach home any later than 10pm you are going to get it from me!
Me: stay outside until they call to ask me to get home xp

3. Going out is a waste of money.
Translation: you are not allowed to step out of the house, holidays or not!
Me: who cares? I'll go out whenever I like :D

And these are just the tip of the iceberg. I'm so sick of them telling mr what I can't do. Why are there so many restrictions? Do they seriously hope we become social outcasts? Hmph!!!

Buut. I'm feeling a bit guilty right now, after saying so much, cause my dad just gave us money to spend for entertainment purposes haha :) thanks lots! It's really unhealthy to stay at home too much you know? I'm so going shopping tomorrow! :) did I also mention that gals change really fast? ;p

p.s. If you wanna go rgco concert, tell me tell me tell me!!! My sis needa sell their tix fast. Thanks a lot k! I'll love you a lot too ;D

2010-06-06T16:30:00.006+08:00

Woke up at 1300 today. Must hav been dead beat! Ytd was damn killer! Then lunch was instant noodles plus eggs, which looked so disgusting I felt like puking the whole time T.T

Yup so went for enmazing race as facil - cip plus fun (NOT!). Running around the whole Singapore and it's the outskirts for god's sake; that's not my idea of fun >.< it was super super tiring aarghh. Luckily I got a great team! They are all nice and cute: Ferlyn, xin tin, Aneka and Juliana :D and they were so addicted to camwhoring haha.

Shall not go into details abt where we went. Buut one of the stations was real baaad! We walked dunno how many rounds ard bedok reservoir to find the whatever floating platform...I'm sure my legs are dead frm all the walking - plus why did they not hav concrete pavements?!!! I'm dying alr >.<

At least the ppl were fun to compensate for it, so it wasn't soooo lousy I guess :)

Had dinner tgt with huining, jiaxuan and laura. The rest of them all disappeared after the whole thing wth! But we talked abt lots of interesting stuff xp

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Okay now abt the dream I had. Yes! Finally had a dream :D
But it's damn weird, ppl say you only dream abt the things you think of...right?

Yup. This person came to my place for dinner (and omg my mum was there!), for whatever reason, and everything looked different somehow. Then afterwards I went into the room, probably trying to avoid him? But he came inside and we were doing something tgt - can't really remember what - watching videos maybe? And my sis was present too. Later I did smth that annoyed him and idk hat happened cuz I woke up haha :p

It's really really strange. I feel super shocked that I had this dream; does it mean I think of him a lot? Oh no. I guess not?

According to my sis, ppl only rmb 1% of their dreams, so it means I had 100 dreams that night! So sad I can't recall anything else...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to reality!

Observation. It's really stupid all the things gals do for guys they like. Even though they do not always get stuff in return (only heartbreak?) but everyone goes through that process, and you can't rly control ur feelings for somebody right? Fine, actually you can, cuz it's possible to nip things in the bud in the early stages, to avoid getting hurt. Important lesson.

Someone once told me that you have to spend time with a person b4 u'll know if you like him/her or not. If you decide too early, then it's only a crush, not much. Yet. I want to tell you that things don't always work that way. A lot of relationships start frm juz liking someone superficially, then spend time tgt and the feeling grows stronger. If there is no chemistry in the first place, why would ppl bother abt you at all?

I'm not supposed to be thinking about this...

Advice to guys: tell a gal if you like her cuz she'll NEVER tell you first
Advice to gals: don't be so dumb and have it bad for someone so early, you can really lose the hopes, and the pain

Advice to self: STOP thinking too much and the only goal should be to keep myself HAPPY everyday :)

2010-06-04T23:27:00.002+08:00

I GOT MY CONTACTS TODAY! omg. It's real cool now I dun needa compromise looks for eyesight and vice versa xD lots of ppl told me that glasses is so not my style; hides my beauty? Haha.

Anw one great thing since hols started: I became FAIRER. No you probably can't tell the difference but that's one thing I care a lot abt okay. And I found out that I needa put sunblock even when I'm indoors D: cuz there can be UV rays too! Gosh no wonder I always take so long to turn fair after getting tanned :(

I can't believe more than a week of hols has passed without me doing any mugging. At this rate how am I going to pass, much less get A for everything?! But the irony is, though I set my mind to studying, once my mum nags at me to do it, I'll just not feel like it anymore. Sighs. Rebellious stage at the wrong period man.

Okay okay I'm going to have to find a source of motivation...why did I not form a study grp earlier? It doesn't help at all that the ppl I know - namely classmates - like to mug at home right?!!! I'm so exasperated. Why stay at home all the time? Isn't it the more the merrier? You people are freaks! Weirdos! Geeks! Sorry I'm super agitated now.

I'm trying to sort out my feelings at the same time. Life IS complicated. That is, if I have any left. Everytime I look back, I only get reminded of the pain he caused. Nothing else. Serves me right? And he does NOT EVEN COME HERE!!!! He doesn't give a damn about me at all. NO NO NO NO NO!!! Shit. The opposite of love? Is really HATE.

What else do you know besides pretending? You are such a JERK!

2010-06-03T23:10:00.002+08:00

Today was a super short day. Cuz I woke up at 12noon omg. I shld rly have regular resting times...

Anw, watched 租个女友回家过年 with my sis. You prob nvr heard of it b4, cuz it's a show frm mainland china (idk how my sis got to know abt it lol). It's like a REALLY REALLY NICE SHOW! Though there are funny parts, but the main plot was abt the relationship between this two ppl...touching ttm! Go watch!

Then, went out to catch a movie. Killers! I didn't know what it was abt, but loved it after watching :) Especially the male lead ASHTON KUTCHER - I was nvr a fan of muscles, but his was fab xp Plus he is sooooo CUTE! Totally fell in love with him haha. The plot is okay, but I like the actors better :D

Reached home ard 9plus, which is quite early. So watched TV for a while...there's this 10pm show on channel u, I think I like it a lot cuz it's related to dance; maybe can learn smth out of it?

But I was damn pissed off by my mum, who insisted that we all go to bed by 11pm. Wth! I don't even slp so early during sch term okay? She's quite scary when she's in one of her moods, so can't argue siiighs. Nights den.

Hope I'm going to have a sweet sweet dream tonight :)

2010-06-02T18:09:00.002+08:00

Accompanied my sis to the dentist today for consultation (she finally got braces!). It was really boring sitting in a corner by myself, but luckily it didn't take very long ;p

And...got my first contacts!!! Spent quite a bit on it but "cosmetic appearance" is more impt to me ;)
Found out my degree is actually quite high (left 275, right 200) plus a tiny bit of astigmatism omg. Why did I not take good care of my eyes? I hate wearing glasses! Sighs. Made a mental note to protect my eyes from now on.

Plus, had a new haircut too! No change in length cuz I love my long hair too much ;D it's just the fringe, a lot shorter now haha. According to my sis, I look very childish and ugly like freak now. What can I do? Cut it alr so just have to let it grow again ba. Though I think it makes me look different and I nvr had this style before so it's a huge change heh. I think I look nice with anything so it doesn't bother me too much :)

Ohhh. A super infuriating thing happened. I got pulled out frm this cip I volunteered for cuz they had enough volunteers alr. Wth so I'm that extra issit? There goes my hrs and stuff. To think I was looking forward to it and went for the briefing le. The briefing! My fren made me wait nearly one hr for that and WHAT IS THIS NOW?!!! Hmph :(

I can't get over the fact that NOTHING is going well since start of this year. Am I under some curse or smth?
Depressed. Depressed. Depressed.

Where's the light at the end of the tunnel?

One more thing. I really really really hate you. A lot a lot. I know you didn't mean to hurt me. From the beginning, there was only me and no you in the picture. But what's the use of saying that now? I'm already in pain. There's no right and wrong in this, I know. Yet you don't even care? Why? You're not sorry.

2010-05-31T21:39:00.003+08:00

why why why didn't anyone tell me that learning dancing is so hard? looked into the mirror today and realise every single thing my sis said so far was wholly true. the flaws are uncountable omg. inflexible...ugly...tensed...weird...dumb...to quote her: "zx you should juz give up for heaven's sake!" aargh. double aarghh.

life is so not smooth sailing. sighs.

made up my mind to start mugging by tmr latest. but. everytime i on the com, i get so distracted that i forgot all abt studying. I NEED TO MUG FOR CTS! triple aarghh.

yet, there's smth a bit more positive :) my sis told me abt this site, lovegivesmehope.com, where there are tons of touching stories (supposedly real ones T.T), shld totally go and see! LGMH =)

okay. shall end with this moving quote from fb x3

[A girl asked a guy if she was pretty.
He said no.
She asked him if he wanted her.
He said no.
She asked him if she left would he cry.
He said no.

She turned to leave, but he grabbed her arm and said,
"You're not pretty; you're BEAUTIFUL.
I don't want you; I NEED you.
And I won't cry if you leave; I will DIE..."]

x3 so touched!!! x3

2010-05-30T20:43:00.003+08:00

Finaaalllyyy. The so-called hols are here. Even though it's really a STUDY break, but at least we dun needa go to sch ;D I'll make full use of it - work hard and play even harder hahaha.

Went to SYFC to apply for the flying course ytd. It was in some super ulu place omg. I alighted at the wrong bus stop, lost my way, and ended up late for over an hr after troubling the ppl there to give me directions >.< Never knew I was so dumb/blur lor haaaiz... But I managed to hand in the application form haha I'll become a pilot (I hope?).

Played badminton with my sis in the evening. It's been rly long since I did any exercise, other than PE yea. Felt GREAT to perspire so much again. Tiring but haven't had this much fun in ages. I REALLY REALLY LOVE MY SIBLINGS!!! ZHENG JIA, ZHENG FAN and CHRISTOPHER x333333333

Ohh and my dad commented that my wrist was thinner den my bro - who's only six this yr wth - which is kinda true la, but I'm not THAT skinny k. I need to put on weight alr aarghh. And my mum was so not supportive abt me cutting a fringe, cuz according to her I look nicest without any =.= Okay I know I look pretty anw, so I'm so going for a NEW LOOK :)

NO THANKS AT ALL to my sis for remarking that I seem to get uglier by the day. I think it took everything I could to NOT get too angry and whack her wth! :( I've found another quality of mine; tolerance for insults frm my sis heh ;p Still, stop it la you!!!

Btw, got a reminder this afternoon *wink* that I was spposed to learn dancing haha. Thank you so much!!! ;D Yup, so I was practising the whole afternoon trying to improve my flexibility and style ^^ I'm not going to transform into a pro overnight, but I sure am not an idiot in dance k. Hear that zf and zj? Cute bro was super encouraging though :)

Realise something? Yay I managed not to emo haha, that's one goal achieved. Now for sports and dance :D Jiayous zhengxi x333333

2010-05-28T20:26:00.002+08:00

This song is fab. (Y) Listen! x333333333

如果我说爱我没有如果
错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口
那爱是不是有一点弱

如果我说爱我没有如果
真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么
快牵起我的手

有人说
世界上最遥远的距离不是生与死
而是我就站在你面前
你却不知道我爱你

我常说
如果人类连爱一个人都被自己绑住
那世界末日已来到
不需要等到地球毁灭掉的那天

如果我说爱我没有如果
错过就过你是不是会难过
若如果拿来当借口
那爱是不是有一点弱

如果我说爱没有如果
真的爱我就放手一搏
还想什么还怕什么
快牵起我的手

NEVER make someone a priority if they only make you an OPTION.
Reserve the right to love yourself!
And DO NOT hesitate to answer just a simple yes or no.

Be true, be decisive, be loved.

2010-05-26T20:54:00.002+08:00

GP is finally over! I'm so going to have a good rest. I'm exhausted inside out. Sighs.

Okay. Added a wishlist haha, so you guys should know what to do if you ever see it xD I can always wait until next yr *hint hint* =p

Right now, the most important thing in my life is school. That's what they tell me all the time. So I will be an obedient and mature gal. Not that I'm not guai, juz...there are some things that can't be controlled.

Point. School sucks. Family sucks. Life sucks. Most of all, YOU SUCK!
If I knew JC would be so tiring, I would have tried to make myself immune to the pain. Too late for regrets.

Now, for improvements:
1. LEARN HOW TO DANCE. Thanks a lot to zf who never fails to tell me how idiotic and awkward I look whenever I try to dance. I will show you I'm brilliant k!

2. BETTER IN SPORTS. Omg this is one thing I've always wanted to do. But I need help, like seriously. Determination...

3. MAKE MYSELF HAPPIER. Stop emoing pls pls pls...

Ending =) Look out for a better me after the June hols.
Personality? Maybe.
Appearance? Definitely.
I'm going to SHINE.

p.s. you're going to need sunglasses

2010-05-25T23:31:00.002+08:00

I dunno why I'm still awake. Can't wait to get to bed...zzz...

But anw, now I have to focus on GP CT. Yup and I only started SERIOUS mugging TODAY. I hope I won't die for it. Have to do well. Siiighs.

These few days I just feel very whinny. And why do people start commenting that I'm always emo? Well, I only like to write in that way k. Better den keeping things bottled up. Fake a smile, and I really end up getting hurt.

Okay so ALL THE BEST FOR CT TMR =D
Jiayous jiayous =)

2010-05-24T23:23:00.003+08:00

I'M SO FRUSTRATED NOW. Can't concentrate on doing one single thing.
Wishing on a wishing star? When dreams don't come true? That's just so dumb.

I kinda wish I wasn't that sharp about things. But how do I pretend not to know when it's right in front of me? Some things are so obvious. Obviously hurtful. Yeah, but it's okay, don't worry about me, it's not like I have feelings or anything. I need to get a move on.

OMG. What am I going to do for GP? I haven't done anything about it. I know many people too, but I'm rly freaking out now. I can't afford to let my grades slip on top of so many things that has happened. I don't want to be the huge disappointment again. No way.

And there's this SOMEONE who is ignoring me? I'm too tired for explanations. Sorry that I'm so thoughtless, but srsly, aren't you like over-sensitive and over-reacting? This is damn childish. I don't want drama okay. But. I. AM. SUPER. PISSED.

My sisters are still giving me "constructive comments", mainly about how inadequate I am. Surely there's no need to criticise me in that way? I'm already miserable enough. Insensitive ttm.

There isn't one thing that has gone smoothly. Thank you so much for screwing up my life. Yet I can't make things right again. Too much work. Can't.

A song that I love a lot recently, because it so REFLECTS MY FEELINGS CURRENTLY.
Is it enough to love? Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody ripped my heart out, and leave me here to bleed.
Is it enough to die? Somebody save my life!
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Please. I need affirmations. That I'm actually good enough...for everything.

2010-05-23T15:25:00.004+08:00

Life has been pretty busy so far. Which is better cuz it gives me more self-satisfaction.

So here's an update on what I'm involved in currently:

#1: GP Common Test

YES. OMG I need to remind myself to mug harder, cuz right now when everyone's studying I'm slacking like hell. And it's not like I'm super good in the subject or anything. Jiayous to myself!! AARGHH.

#2: Enmazing Race Facilitator

Signed up for this even as a facil, and it sounds really fun now. I get to interact with all the cute secondary school ppl, and they look real nice too =) I'm glad that it isn't juz any boring activity.

#3: Y-Camp

Ok. This is another CIP I'm going for, and I'm kinda excited for it. At least I'm doing something meaningful, playing a part to help people in society. It makes me happier, more useful. I haven't felt like this for very long alr.

#4: CCA

Yup. CCA is still slack for me, but since I only have one, I can put all my focus on this. I hope. But right now priority is still the CTs T.T I'll do my best though...

Right now I'm very very confused about a lot of things. I dunno how to act, how to speak, how to feel anymore.
If only somebody can show me how. Even if it would be painful, juz make it clear to me please.
At least when I feel the pain, I know that I'm still here.

You're not sorry

2010-05-20T21:23:00.004+08:00

Thought I wouldn't post this again, but...

It's funny when you find yourself, looking from the outside.
I'm standing here but all I want is to be over there.
Thought a million times about how much I wanted it, each time, I get sadder.

Why did I let myself believe, miracles could happen?
Cos now I have to pretend that I don't really care.
I really believe, but now i BELIEVED. They don't happen you know? And I have to pretend I'm feeling okay or even happy all the time.

I thought you were my fairytale, a dream when I'm not sleeping.
A wish upon a star that's coming true.
What a beautiful story, but it's NOT coming true, maybe that's why it's limited to a dream only.

But everybody else could tell that I confused my feelings with the truth.
When there was me and you.
Just self-delusional? Perhaps. Everyone thinks I should snap out of it. But can I?

I swore I knew the melody that I heard you singing.
And when you smiled you made me feel like I could sing along.
Yeah, remember everything single tiny thing. I thought I could sing along, but I'm not in your song.

But then you went and changed the words, now my heart is empty.
I'm only left with used-to-be's and once upon a song.
When? When did it change? I know, that all has been taken away, and will never be returned. How nice to leave me with melancholy, nothing else.

Now I know you're not a fairytale, and dreams were meant for sleeping.
And wishes on a star just don't come true.
It's time to accept reality. If only it was easier, not so painful.

Cos now even I could tell that I confused my feelings with the truth.
Because I liked the view when there was me and you.
I can't escape anymore, it's there, it's everywhere. No place to hide. Only to cry, because what had passed is past. And the future holds no meaning until I find it. Which is IMPOSSIBLE.

2010-05-19T21:28:00.002+08:00

No one knows how painful it is.
I cried. Yes. I cried and cried and cried. Still feel like it...

One more time, to make five this year.
I can't remember the last time I was this sad.
Maybe it's the first time ever.

I promise I won't be so vulnerable again. I wish.

2010-05-17T14:16:00.002+08:00

Hi. OkayI decided to not post an emo one for a change. Though I kinda like them cuz I think they make me write better =p

A HUGE THANKS to JOCELYN! =D For always encouraging me, and being so caring about everything. I really really appreciate it. And I promise I'll be strong, so don't worry ok? I love you lots too x3

Sch is almost totally about stress. I can't think of a single day when I'm not doing sch related work. Mainly homework >.< But it's better for me since I don't have that much commitments; only 1 cca that's rather slack, and no leadership positions or anything. Free but depressing. That's why I tink I'm super useless. Oh well.

Escapism has become a habit for me, when I encounter problems. Because when I try to face them, I find out that I'm not strong enough, not as strong as I tink. I need a lot of time before I can get out of it. So much for the DOE - be able to overcome and recover adversities? Failed.

Right now, I'm trying not to think too much about things that is not necessary. Like for instance *cough cough*...Yeah, maybe that'll make me happier. Maybe. But I'm still very very confused. I'm not sure what is it I'm looking for. Let's wait and see.

Last thing. I've been attempting to find myself, my whole life. Somehow, my instincts tell me that the present me is not the right one. And I trust it. Perhaps when I finally sort it out, I won't be so lost, so upset, so empty within. Yet, it might not happen soon enough. Hope it does.

I know this is still kinda emo, but hey, at least I made an effort ok? Now you know why I'm sad, so don't keep expecting me to act like everything's alright. I had enough of disappointments, but they just won't go away. What can I do?!

2010-05-16T00:28:00.002+08:00

It's one of those times when I'm feeling sad. For no particular reason.
Actually, there is. But I don't want to say it.

Please just stop lying to me, telling me everything is okay. Because it obviously isn't.
If it was, why would I be feeling so miserable?
Why is it that nobody is telling me that it is okay to cry, to cry my heart out?
Why do everyone expect me to recover so quickly?

I'm not as strong as you think, I need somebody to be there for me.
To support me, to show you care about me, to love me.

I'm not asking for too much, am I? I thought it all belonged to me.
Until I found out that I was just delusional.

I can't find the strength to persist, yet people force me to face it bravely.
I can't. I'd rather die.

I found out, somehow, there's no life after you.

Who's that girl, where's she from? No she can't be the one, that you want that has stolen my world.
It's not real, it's not right. It's my day, it's my night.
By the way, who's that girl? Living my life...oh no...living my life...

p.s. I hope, that I won't be so dumb to confuse my feelings with the truth, again.

2010-05-13T21:55:00.002+08:00

This is baaad. I'm falling into the deep valley of depression again.

Mainly cuz I'm leading a life that can only be described with one word: MEANINGLESS.
And the sad part is, that's all. =(

Sometimes I wonder why am I still here, still at the same place. After many many years. It's still the same old boring me. Nothing changed. Nothing at all. Even though I wanted it to.

Today Yimeng was telling me about characteristics of my horoscope: bold, outgoing, friendly, popular. OMG it's so true. I know it. But, other people don't. And unfortunately, I can't prove it either.

If I could go back in time, I would give anything to make myself happy. Everything. How can things be worse than present? I can kill myself a thousand times over, and yet I can't get rid of the suicidal thoughts in my head.

Negative. Black and White. Whole world is dark. MY WORLD.
Escape? To where? I have no place to go now.